Some Good Sex News

My husband forwarded me this article , entitled "The Myth of Rampant Teenage Promiscuity," and told me that it made him "much more at ease" about the imminent arrival of our baby girl. I was intrigued...!

According to the piece, the notion that teenagers today are over-sexed and that casual sex is as common as teenage rebellion is a myth. Regardless of Tyra and Oprah telling us about an oral sex epidemic and the rising rates of teenage pregnancies, "the reality is that in many ways, today’s teenagers are more conservative about sex than previous generations."

Well color me happy! But wait...Can this possibly be true? Even as I was asking that to myself, I came upon the part of the article that was trying to explain people just like me:

Although the data is clear, health researchers say it is often hard to convince adults that most teenagers have healthy attitudes about sex.

“I give presentations nationwide where I’m showing people that the virginity rate in college is higher than you think and the number of partners is lower than you think and hooking up more often than not does not mean intercourse,” Dr. Bogle said. “But so many people think we’re morally in trouble, in a downward spiral and teens are out of control. It’s very difficult to convince people otherwise.”

They certainly pegged me. I want to believe this but part of me just doesn't. Why is that? If this article is accurate, why do so many of us have this idea that we are sending our children out into a world of rampant sexuality? Do we just create things to worry about?

Monday Musings: Labor and Orgasms

As I was penning tips on how to travel with kids last week, I myself was getting ready for a 5 day trip with my husband, sans children. We got back last night and while I can't come up with the right word to sum it all up (is "absoluteblisswhydidntwedothisbefore" a word?), I will try to do so with a few words tomorrow.

I can't really come up with a good segue either so let's just get to it: Labor, Delivery, Orgasm? According to the newly-released documentary "Orgasmic Birth," labor causes a surge of hormones and endorphins, which are the same ones present when experiencing sexual pleasure. And, when a baby is going through the birth canal, the same places are being touched that would cause an orgasm. This perfect storm of factors inspired filmmaker Debra Pascali-Bonaro to travel the world and film the births of children by women who believe in this notion and who claim to have had orgasms during labor. The take-away? That the birthing process has the possibility of being a sensuous, sexual event. Per the website for the film, "Orgasmic Birth" delivers "the ultimate challenge to our cultural myths by inviting viewers to see the emotional, spiritual, and physical heights attainable through birth. Witness the passion as birth is revealed as an integral part of woman's sexuality and a neglected human right."

While at first blush the film seems sensationalist and sort of kinky, the crux of it amounts to the idea that, given the right circumstances and attitude, the birth process can be one of pleasure and ecstasy versus--well--horrific pain.

I'm first in line for the epidural, I am anti-pain. But equating the the arrival of my children with the stuff of romance? Hmmm. Not even a 5 day trip to Mexico gets me to that point. What do you think?

“Do you fantasize about other men?”

Somebody (WSRN) asked me this question last week. It was in the context of a larger discussion we were having about marriage. She suddenly turned to me and asked me this question. I told her the truth, which was that I have in the past, but I honestly can’t remember the last time I did so. Maybe it’s the mommy instinct kicking in -- or maybe it’s just lack of sleep!

She ended up telling me she does all the time, and that it’s a very healthy thing for married women to do. She said she even fantasizes about other men while she’s being intimate with her husband.

"Does he know that?" I asked her.

"No, he just thinks I’m really into it," she said. "But what he doesn’t know won’t hurt him."

I asked her if fantasizing about other men "all the time" made her less interested in her husband, because, ostensibly, she’s always getting her rocks off to the image of another man. She had to think about that one for a minute, but ended up with, "No, it just adds variety to the situation." She said fantasizing about being with another man is just like fantasizing about being on vacation in Tahiti, or being Angelina Jolie. It’s something that would never happen, at least not in the short term, but it helped her think about something other than her worries and the mundane daily aspects of life.

I started thinking about this later. Personally I agree it’s perfectly fine, and mostly healthy, for married people to have fantasies. It’s something that happens almost automatically, and it probably saves many people from major boredom. Is it okay, though, when you’re actually in the act with your partner? Is it an innocuous form of adultery? And as devis, do our stricter rules on sexual topics make us prude for even raising this topic?

Let's Talk About Sex?

Something about having kids makes many things that we used to take for granted seem novel and sparkly. Dinner AND a movie?? Sleeping in till 10?? Somebody pinch me I must be dreaming. But sex? Does sex seem novel post-kids? Sure there is less time for it, but...let's face it...we all make time for the things that are truly important right?

According to this SF Chronicle article, there is a growing movement of events called "Hump Parties"--parties centered around "generating healthy sexual dialogue" about sex after children. The parties are based on a book by Kimberly Ford entitled "Hump: The True Tales of Sex After Kids." I scoffed at the whole notion of these sorts of parties when I read the article--and it is easy to scoff when the piece includes descriptions of "Humptini" cocktails and the story of one woman who talks about her "dark years" and how they involved "couples porn." But one sentence got to me. Talking about the author of "Hump Parties," the article states: "Her advice is relatable and based on her own frustrating experience as a member of a new- mommy group, where she realized there was a dearth of discussion about sex as a central aspect of marriage and monogamy."

I am sort of a fan of anybody who bemoans the strange qualities of joining "new mommy" groups. And, after reading the article, I started to think if I have ever discussed sex with any of the friends I have made since having children. I came to the conclusion that I don't believe I have but this didn't shock me as I am a pretty private person. So I asked a few other people, too--moms less shy than I--and it seems like the door to the sex conversations is one that usually doesn't open these days. I'm not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing. But it does seem to be case. My mind races. Is it our ingrained Indian purity about sex that makes us refrain? Is there just nothing to talk about? Surely there is as much to be said about monogamy and sex as there is about Britax versus Graco, no? Thoughts?