Where There's A Will...

I know none of us needs any more depressing or "downer" material in our lives right now. But the tragic and unexpected death of Natasha Richardson reminded me of something my husband and I have meant to do since we had our first child, but that somehow never climbed up the (constantly growing) to-do list: Make a will.

When you think of a will, you probably think about the divvying up of assets, and scenes in movies when the do-gooder magically gets the entire estate and the smarmy guy makes a smarmy face. And it's true, a will does set forth where your stuff would go. But much more importantly: A will is the only document that allows you to designate a guardian for your children, should anything unexpected happen to you. Clearly, figuring out who to designate in this role isn't the most pleasant conversation to have with your spouse. Wouldn't plan a hot date-night around it. But it's obviously an important decision to make.

We should all also look into a living will and a health care proxy. A living will is simple: It tells your medical care provider whether you want life support. The companion document, the health care proxy, designates somebody to make your medical decisions for you if you are not capable of making them yourself. The requirements for these documents are pretty simple, but do vary by state.

Of course if you have complicated assets or other exceptional circumstances, you should consult a lawyer to draft these documents but, for the majority of people, there are simple tools that allow you to memorialize your wishes yourself. Willmaker is a great program to create a simple will, and you can consult Agingwithdignity.org for more information on living wills and health care proxies.

Tomorrow, I promise, I will write about shopping, or puppies, or candy...!

Tricks of the Trade

Sometimes the quest to streamline and make life more organized only adds to our mental and physical clutter. Think: Buying tons of supply at the Container Store...only to get home, not know how to actually use the stuff, having to find a way to organize your now-useless organizing supplies. I've done this maybe eighteen times. And, while everyone is online these days and proclaiming the virtues of sites and apps and whatnot, some of us (me) were a little slow on the uptake. There is so much tech stuff out there it can be overwhelming...

And yet: There are some really cool, easy-to-use web sites and applications that really are effective. Here are some of the "sites" and "apps" and doodads online that I've come across recently that actually do a little magic and make the life of a mom a tiny bit easier:

qlubb.com. A group site for anything from a book club to a sports team to a preschool class, Qlubb.com allows groups of people to communicate, post shared-calendars, share photos, set up a shared website, and interact effortlessly--for free, to boot. I am going to recommend this to my son's preschool teacher so that I never again miss another Room Parent opportunity (which are "announced" on mimeographed hand-outs that are put into our children's cubbies). No, seriously I am.

Kidrex: Kidrex makes Internet searches safe for kids by utilizing Google SafeSearch technology to eliminate inappropriate material. You can make KidRex your homepage and inappropriate search terms (I'm sure you can come up with a few to test the software) will return an "Oops! Try again" message.


PhoneTag: Love this because it allows me to use my phone even less. PhoneTag converts your voicemail into text messages. No more listening to the message for the millionth time to make sure you got everything.

UEatCheap: Eating cheaply just got easier. Type in your zip code and the type of food you are looking for and UEatCheap will find nearby restaurants with entrees that are less than $10.00.

Yojomama: Yojo Mama helps you find things like child-friendly restaurants, closest diaper changing station, playgrounds, shopping deals or kids clothing stores, while on the go. Currently available in San Francisco and New York (LA is up next in the lineup), Yojo Mama utilizes a user's time and location to whip up the most accurate results.

A couple Iphone Applications:

Around Me: Tells you everything that is, well, around you--banks, restaurants, theaters--at any location.

Italk: Turns your phone into a tape-recorder. One that actually works (unlike the myriad other applications that promise the same).

GroceryIQ: Lets you search its preloaded database of 130,000 grocery items to organize personal shopping lists by store, aisle, buying history, favorites. Also lets you store your favorite items.

What are they gonna invent next, mail that doesn't require postage? Heh.

Keep On Playing Peek-a-Boo

I have been known to call the first couple months of motherhood "circuit training." You have this new little person who you love so much...but who really can't do very much. And you also have all this...stuff. The bouncer. The swing. The bouncing swing.

The Tiny Gym. The Tropical Tiny Gym. The Tiny Tropical Tiny Take-along Gym.

You know what I'm saying. I remember spending hours upon hours transporting my little guys from one apparatus to the next...and then realizing that, even after I had exhausted every single thing, it was only 10 a.m. Especially with my second, I wondered whether I was engaging in all the circuit training more for myself--to show that I was "doing things" with my baby--or for my child.

This new study confirms for me that all that time on the various mats, and making funny faces at my newborn in his various baby-containers was worth it. In the study, orphaned chimps who received love and attention--including affection and 4 hours of playtime a day--were compared with orphaned chimps who only received food and basic necessities. Not only did the attended- to and played-with chimps outperform the other group on basic IQ and developmental tests--they outperformed human babies as well!

So keep on playing the silly games, no matter how silly they are. If you are lucky you may one day have a child who is brighter than the average...chimp...

Some Good Sex News

My husband forwarded me this article , entitled "The Myth of Rampant Teenage Promiscuity," and told me that it made him "much more at ease" about the imminent arrival of our baby girl. I was intrigued...!

According to the piece, the notion that teenagers today are over-sexed and that casual sex is as common as teenage rebellion is a myth. Regardless of Tyra and Oprah telling us about an oral sex epidemic and the rising rates of teenage pregnancies, "the reality is that in many ways, today’s teenagers are more conservative about sex than previous generations."

Well color me happy! But wait...Can this possibly be true? Even as I was asking that to myself, I came upon the part of the article that was trying to explain people just like me:

Although the data is clear, health researchers say it is often hard to convince adults that most teenagers have healthy attitudes about sex.

“I give presentations nationwide where I’m showing people that the virginity rate in college is higher than you think and the number of partners is lower than you think and hooking up more often than not does not mean intercourse,” Dr. Bogle said. “But so many people think we’re morally in trouble, in a downward spiral and teens are out of control. It’s very difficult to convince people otherwise.”

They certainly pegged me. I want to believe this but part of me just doesn't. Why is that? If this article is accurate, why do so many of us have this idea that we are sending our children out into a world of rampant sexuality? Do we just create things to worry about?

Monday Musings: "Let's Turn Off the TV and Throw Stuff"

My 3 year old watches way too much t.v. I have tried to blame almost everybody for this ("obviously it's because of the mailman!") but it is quite clearly my fault. It began as a magic pill--my husband and I were psyched when D. would first sit quietly for a 30 minute stretch, enraptured by Fireman Sam, the Berenstein Bears, Cailou...whatever...we would have given him Freddie Crouger for that bit of free time. But, seemingly in the blink of an eye (okay, over the course of one year), it has turned into a full-blown disaster. Now, D "needs" t.v. to eat, demands a show before he goes to sleep, and throws dog-whistle-octave tantrums when he doesn't get his fill.

I've tried to reason with him but, shockingly, the notion that "too much t.v. is bad for you, D," doesn't resonate with him. I've tried lying but "the t.v. is broken" doesn't really work when your children can navigate plugs and remotes better than you. I've tried to call in the big guns: "D, the Berenstein Bears are on the phone! They just told me something! They said you should NOT watch any more t.v. YAY right?!?!?!" These attempts are met with the pitying glances they deserve.

But one thing does work. And I am realizing it works in many, many situations. Distraction.

So, here it is, a roster of indoor activities (because did I mention that it has started to rain all the time?) that I am hoping will wean my kid off his crack. Most are culled from late night frantic searches for "indoor activities with kids" and "oh god please help me"...! And of course there are a million other distraction techniques, but these are some that have worked for us.

Indoor Hopscotch

A twist on the traditional hopscotch, great for kids in the process of learning their ABC's and 123's. Start by making squares or rectangles with letters and numbers on them. Then lay them out all over the floor. Have your child start at one end of the room and see if they can cross the room jumping from square to square. They must identify the letter or number they are going to jump to next. You can also call out the number or letter for them and tell them to find it and jump on it next. Your kids can also call our letters and numbers for you to jump on. This helps the younger kids to learn their letters and numbers. Try it with shapes, colors, animals, favorite HBO shows, etc.

Be A Boat

I love this one because it allows you to go to bed at all times. While on a bed with your child/children, pretend you are on a sail boat. Locate marine life (jumping dolphins, sharks, whales) and search for land. Create stories with your kids about why you are on the boat and where you are going, even what you will see when you arrive. Occasionally, if you are feeling particularly adventurous, jump off for a swim around the bed to cool off. With us, this usually ends with us pretending I actually am a boat, but you don't have to go that far.

Going on a Bear Hunt

Did you guys ever sing the song 'We're Going on a Bear Hunt'? (If you can't remember the words, you can find them here www.dltk-kids.com/crafts/teddy/bearhunt.html). I can't even remember when I learned the song but it has served me well. I sing it with the kids and we go through the house, looking for bears through the "grass," in the "trees," at the end of the "river." I usually just tell D things like "Look, it's a river," while pointing at a chair but if you want, you can make some scenery with construction paper and the like.

Snowball Fight

I grew up in Michigan and I am sort of sad my kids' experience with snow will likely be confined to fancy schmancy Tahoe trips. Even those won't happen for a while so, to tide us over, we sometimes have snowball fights indoors. I tried to make real snowballs once. Not particularly safe or, um, smart. Our new variation is to roll up a bunch of white tube socks to create "snowballs." I tell the kids it's time for a snowball fight and let them throw things. And yes: Many, many of my distraction techniques involve allowing D to throw things.

Shoe Hunt

My kids love to try on and wear my husband's and my shoes. We have made up a few shoe games, some more successful than others. In one, we get several pairs of shoes and put them in a pile, then race D to the stack and try to see who can put on a matching pair first. I used to let him win but now he can actually beat me, I'm not kidding. In another, we hide shoes. And D. finds them. That's it. It works.

Playing Elevator

The inspiration here is that scene in Austin Powers where Mike Myers pretends he is on an elevator, a boat etc. We spread a towel on the ground for our 'elevator.' We step in and push the pretend button to travel to different floors. You can go all out and describe each step: 'The door is opening' (show with your hands). 'We're getting on the elevator' (step on the towel). 'We're pushing two' (push button). 'We're going up' (look up), etc. Get off at different floors and describe what you see at each one. Visit the whispering floor, the jumping/ flying floor, the eating ice cream floor, the walking backwards floor, the tiger floor, etc.

Pillow Maze

Take notes this one is complicated: Get a bunch of pillows and couch cushions and pile them in one room. Create mazes with them. Go nuts.

Kitchen Bowling

Get a bunch of plastic bottles and stand them up on the floor like bowling pins. Then have your kids stand an appropriate distance away, and take turns rolling a tennis ball towards the 'pins.' Funny shoes optional but highly recommended.

Paint the Tub

This one is not for the uber-clean, a group I often aspire to but never really am asked to join. Either purchase bath paints or make your own by mixing the same amounts soap and corn starch, and adding food coloring to it. Then let your kids go wild on your bathtub with a brush or with their fingers. D LOVES this...in part because I let him do it so rarely and I think he is just amazed that, for a period of time, I am not telling him to clean something up.

Squirrel at the Picnic

Lay out a blanket and five things that you would take to a picnic -- for example, a basket, napkins, plates, bottle of water, food container. Sit with your kid on the blanket and look at the items. Then tell your child to close their eyes and take one item away. Once your child opens his eyes see if he can tell which item was taken by the "squirrel at the picnic." I can't even believe how lame that looks written out, but D squeals with delight every time we play.

Sock Toss

Mark a line on the floor with string or masking tape or dirty clothes you find lying around. Set up an empty bucket or laundry basket or other receptacle a couple of feet beyond the line of tape. Take turns seeing if you can toss rolled-up socks into the bucket or basket.

Go Fishing

Create a fishing pond for your toddler. Cut out several paper fish from construction paper and attach a paper clip to each fish. Then tie a string to one of end of the fishing pole (yardstick or other rod) and a magnet to the other end of the string. Your child can lay out the fish on the floor and go fishing by trying to touch the magnet to the fish's paper clip. Kids love it when they 'catch' the fish. If you're a vegetarian, teach your kid to throw the fish back in afterwards...ha...

Not Just Another List

If you're like me, you are probably sick of all the "top 10"s and every other assorted list that a new year catalyzes people to make. But my friend S passed along this list of resolutions for parents and it was too good not to share. The reason I love it is because the directives strike the perfect balance of motivating us to be better parents as well as better people in general. The author of the list, Jacque Grillo--an Early Childhood Specialist, Marriage and Family Therapist, and Director of Lone Mountain Children's Center in San Francisco--is going to be featured on The Today Show this week, talking about these resolutions all parents should make in 2009 (The stuff in bold is my emphasis):

1. Resolve that one day each week will be a day without television, videos, computers, and electronics of any sort. Shut the things off. Reclaim your homes.

2. Resist the pressure to become your child's day planner, social secretary and entertainment organizer. Allow for days where nothing is planned. Celebrate boredom! Don't protect your child from a day with nothing to do. Day after day filled with adult-organized activities and events destroys any possibility of creativity or self-discovery. Don't allow your child to become the center of your universe.

3. Play together, fantasize together, and get creative together using only the simplest of materials: old clothes, a cardboard box, crayons, paper and glue. Make-up characters and stories - together.

4. Get out of your child's way. Provide her with time, either alone or with friends, that is largely unsupervised and where an adult will only intervene when the screams reach a high decibel level. Teach them to trust in themselves. Let them make mistakes and experience the consequences. Stop rescuing.

5. Intentionally deny your child something he "really wants". Don't just delay its acquisition but never allow the desired object into your home. Have conversations about the experience of disappointment. Share your own experiences of how it feels to not get something you "really want".

6. Plan a long weekend away for you and your spouse and resist the urge to check in by phone every hour. Trust me -- your children will survive and everyone will benefit.

7. Don't buy into the "more is better" culture. Almost always less is more.

8. Remember what life before children was like. Commit to having a life of your own with your own activities, friends and interests. It's not only good for you but a great model for your children.

9. Worry less. Almost all problems self-resolve in time and the small percentage that don't probably couldn't have been prevented in any case.

10. Have faith in something and share it openly with your children. It can be God, the Universe, Love or the inherent goodness of your fellow man. It's one of the greatest gifts you can pass on to your children.

Christmas Penis Issues

You likely have a bunch of things you are worried about this holiday season. The still-gloomy economy. Traveling with children. What to wear to the "festive ethnic chic attire requested" cocktail party. Unfortunately, I am here to tell you that you need to add one more concern to your list: Your toddler son harming his penis with a toilet seat.

That's right.

According to this recent report, injuries by toilet seats are on the rise and--ready for it?--"[a]s Christmas approaches many families will be visiting relatives and friends and their recently toilet-trained toddlers will be keen to show how grown up they are by going to the toilet on their own...It is important that parents check out the toilet seats in advance, not to mention the ones they have in their own homes, and accompany their children if necessary."

The doctors who authored this report suggest tips to parents to prevent penis-injury-by-toilet-seat, including banning "heavier" toilet seats and "leaving the toilet up after use, even though it contradicts the social norm of putting it down." They earnestly tell the reader that: "We are concerned that the growing trend of heavy toilet seats poses a risk not only to [toddlers'] health, but to their confidence."

Um. Come on. Where do I even begin? First of all, I can't stop laughing over the fact that this article somehow makes the issue of toilet-seat issues a Christmas topic. Really? Beware of people posing as Santa, bad eggnogg, and particularly heavy toilet seats out to get your toddler sons?

But, more importantly, how far are we going to go in our never-ending pursuit to protect our children? The verbotin peanuts, the agonizing over PBS Sprout's "educational content," the horror and guilt over standard-issue scraped knees or bruised elbows. I think Indian moms are hard-wired to be overprotective and reports like this don't help matters at all. I'm reminded of an article my friend Anu sent around a while ago about a mom who--purposely--left her 9 year old at Bloomingdales, armed with a MetroCard and a subway map, believing it was time for him to learn to use the subway on his own. She was accused of everything from being a bad mother to being a criminal but she stood by her decision and said that "the problem with this everything-is-dangerous outlook is that over-protectiveness is a danger in and of itself."

It's true. I really believe it...and I really don't want to have to leave the toilet seats in my house up. I've just taught my husband to put them down.

(Thank you Meghana for alerting me to this penis report...!)

Kid-less in Mexico

5 days and 4 nights at a super luxe resort in Mexico. Without the kids. I didn't really believe it was happening until I was on the airplane, fully absorbed in my book, a baby cried--and I almost started to laugh when I realized it wasn't mine...!

At first it was like my husband and I were re-learning how to dance with each other. We kept looking for baby accoutrements on the security conveyer belt, we held hands and it felt odd that our arms weren't pulling wheeled carseats or screaming toddlers.

But, very quickly, the old moves came back to us. Perfect weather, white sand beaches, drinks with umbrellas in them and one of the most beautifully designed hotels I have ever seen didn't hurt. For 5 days we covered all the "re"s. Recharging. Rejeuvinating. Reconnecting. Remembering. That was a sort of surprise: Having the luxury of time and concentration to think back and remember everything from a funny comment somebody made at our wedding, to the first trip we took together (to El Salvador) and how excited and nervous we were, to our first apartment and the time I presented frozen spinach pie as a home-cooked meal. The stories bubbled to the surface, apropos of little, our minds uncluttered by logistics, schedules, naptimes, needs of children.

We covered a bunch of the "un"s too. Unwound. Unplugged. Understood. We took the time to think about and understand our life, ruminate on where we are going, plan and map out our future with wide-eyed excitement instead of necessity.

At the risk of sounding hyperbolic: It was pretty magical. And of course I was torn about leaving my kids, but the guilt became theoretical by day 2--an internalization of the social script that I am "supposed" to feel bad about "deserting" my children. I obviously missed them, especially when I saw little boys splashing around in the pool, showboating for their parents, smiling big toothy grins and running on the beach. But I missed them in a way that made my chest pull with love, not with shame.

It got me wondering about some of the reactions I received when I told people about our vacation before we left. One close friend who is not yet a mother told me that her parents never went away together, alone, and she thinks their marriage suffered because of it. Another friend who is a mom told me to "pretend you don't feel guilty even though you obviously will." Yet another mom friend asked me if my husband was forcing me to go. All of these sentiments were voiced with the passion and certainty often reserved for politics and love.

Why are there such strong reactions to how we choose to spend our time after we have kids? And do we all--secretly or openly--condemn parents who choose to get away without their kids? Is it selfish?

I personally think that our trip was selfish. But lots of the things I choose to do would be technically selfish, I'm guessing? Getting a pedicure instead of spending time with my son would be selfish. Reading a novel (just finished "The Story of a Marriage"--amazing story-telling)? Weekly dinners with girlfriends? Spending money on something frivolous? Selfish, selfish, selfish, right?

When I was talking about this with my husband, who has a clarity of purpose I often envy and who feels no guilt about leaving the kids for a few days, he said, "It's important for us to do this" and I immediately nodded my head in agreement. I knew that the trip was good for us. "And it's important for the babies too," he said. I sort of laughed, thinking about our 3 year old and our 1 year old weighing the import of us escaping to hot tubs and 5 star restaurants versus playing peek-a-boo with them.

"No I mean it," he said.

I looked at him expectantly.

"It's important for our kids to have parents who are in love with each other and who have a marriage that is as strong in 20 years as it is right now," he said. And suddenly the trip didn't seem quite so selfish anymore.