Ask An Indian Auntie

Indian Auntie is back! Check out her debut here. This week she is tackling two questions along the same lines:

Q: Dear Indian Auntie:

What do I do with MIL/FIL who are so sympathetic to their daughter cause she is "working so hard and their son in law does not support" but who easily turn around in their son's case when they complain that "their bahu should let their son work late cause now "he" is working hard! Daughter in law should now support! Why is it that a daughter in law is never as good as their son?

-Anonymous

Q: Dear Indian Auntie:

I want to second the question about the double standard between daughter and daughter in law, son and son in law. Where does it come from? And are we allowed to point it out to our in laws? My twist on it is that my husband's sister's husband can do NO wrong and yet I could serve tea and spring ten million male heirs from my head and I would never be "good enough"!!

-JDutta

A: My dear Betis,

Yes, betis. It is too sad Indian parents are so backward how they are thinking about the daughter-in-laws.

On the day my son was married, I told my cute little new bahu Arundhati that she would be treated with the utmost of complete respect from me. Even during all the engagement hangama, I told Arundhati's parents that we did not believe in all the nonsense of dowry or inequality of girl's family, and that they should only give us what they felt was right in exchange for taking their daughter. No drama from this momma, I said to her, to be joking in a rhyming style! After the wedding ceremony when I told my Arundhati to make me some tea because I was feeling thirsty, I didn't make her change her outfit to wear something clean and understood that the tea ws really not that good because it was clear she hadn't really been raised properly and I knew because I am a modern mother in law that I would be able to teach her properly. When my friends told me that it was because she was so dark that her tea was so different I scolded them. Of course yes she is much darker than my beta and I don't know why I deserved that but if my beta is happy than I am happy, that is what I always say and she isn't as dark as poor Prabhu's betrothed, thank God.

But, shall we talk more about this problem? I asked my daughter-in-law to help us also to discuss, because together we can give some good advice about the modern relationship of love and respect that we have together only. It is good to be having her perspectives also. She was already at my home today anyway as it is Friday and she is helping me with my poor feet. I need a pedicure - my feet are almost looking as bad as her mother's birdie toes!

You see, there is so much long history of bad treatment of daughter-in-laws in our cultures. So many, many years ago, maybe even twenty, all women in India were treated as a burden, as a stinky property. When someone married your daughter, thank God! It was so much relief. And, then her new family would have this burden. So, this is the history. And, it is so sad history.

Sorry, I lost my thinking for two moments. What I want to say is that everybody can change. Arundhati is lucky that I am modern but I wasn't always modern. Right now, for instance, she is hurting my pinky toe with her crude filing of it and when I was a little girl this may have been cause for her banishment but I understand times have changed and I just told her how hopeless she still is at things and how I don't understand why she doesn't practice more, or cook my beta proper meals. We have an "open communication," as you young people like to say. She is sensitive and she sometimes cries but I understand that she is probably just upset that she had disappointed in so many ways and I try to tell her that I will allow her to make it up to me. Even though my toes are ruined for the day. Will have to wear closed-toe shoes to the mehndi tonight. Array, bullshit!

So, for conclusions, I think it is terrible to be treating any children different or less special than any other childrens. All childrens are same I say! And we love all of them, even when they are crying in the bathroom about nothing. I tell Arundhati, I love you. Even though you are a dark fat balloon...still, I love you like you were my daughter.

Love you,
Your Indian Auntie

Send your questions to Indian Auntie at deviswithbabies@gmail.com, or leave them in the comments below.

Introducing: Ask An Indian Auntie

It's no secret that we worry about what people think. It's become the stuff of cliche that Indians are more concerned with what the Jones' are saying about them, than keeping up with (or surpassing, as the case may be) them. Our generation makes fun of our parents for their constant refrain of "what would people think" and yet--who among us doesn't have some amount of that instinct? The social and cultural landscape of second generation Indian women is hairy (in more ways than one...!) Especially during those times when, try as you might, you just cannot understand where your mom, mother-in-law, uncle, auntie, cousin, is coming from, in terms of protocol, etiquette, or life in general. Add to it the host of issues that motherhood poses and there are a lot of questions that go through our heads...

Indian Aunty is here to help! "Indian Aunty" is a collection of some of the funniest, wisest, most proper and most wonderfully improper Indian Aunties I have met--she will morph and change but what remains the same will be this: She will tell you what Saroj Auntie and Kamala Auntie are saying about you behind your back, she will not mince words and she will let you know when she thinks you're--well--completely wrong. And knowledge is power, no?

Welcome to Ask An Indian Auntie. Send your questions to deviswithbabies@gmail.com or leave them in the comments section here.

Q: Dear Indian Auntie,

I caught my husband looking at Indian porn. For some reason it bothered me more that it was Indian but that's not my main issue. My main issue is this: He always has claimed to be, and seems to be, pretty "traditional." Doesn't looking at porn fly in the face of traditional Indian values? And should I care? I think it's kind of disgusting but he isn't hurting anybody, he's a good husband, a great father, we are happy. Has this always happen?

-Paused by the Porn, San Francisco, California

A: Dear Paused by the Porn Beti,

Thank you for your writing! This very thing happened to me when I was a young 21 year old bride. I was making the dinner when I noticed that my husband was not sitting at the table, like he always was. He would sit there, smiling, impatiently yearning for his dinner. But tonight, he was missing!

So, I walked upstairs and realized he was in the bathroom, with the door closed. He never closed the bathroom door! I thought something was going on. I'll never forget the moment, when I knew what was going on. I could even smell it.

"Why are you eating chicken tikka masala in the bathroom!', I shouted. "I have only been working all day, cooking that very dish for your dinner!"

Later, I talked to other women and realized I was not alone. All men want to sample the cooking of other women sometimes.

In these modern days, the type of pornography may have changed, but men and their yearnings have not. So I wonder, what if, on that day, he was eating eggplant parmesan? Cheeseburger and fries? Cous-Cous?

I think I would have felt the same sense of confusion and fear. You see, the problem is not the type of food. The problem is the appetite.

When my husband came home from work the next day, there was no dinner. I told him it was simple. If someone else is feeding him, my work is done, no?

Email to me when he stops. He will.

Love you Beti,
Your Indian Auntie.