“Do you fantasize about other men?”

Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Somebody (WSRN) asked me this question last week. It was in the context of a larger discussion we were having about marriage. She suddenly turned to me and asked me this question. I told her the truth, which was that I have in the past, but I honestly can’t remember the last time I did so. Maybe it’s the mommy instinct kicking in -- or maybe it’s just lack of sleep!

She ended up telling me she does all the time, and that it’s a very healthy thing for married women to do. She said she even fantasizes about other men while she’s being intimate with her husband.

"Does he know that?" I asked her.

"No, he just thinks I’m really into it," she said. "But what he doesn’t know won’t hurt him."

I asked her if fantasizing about other men "all the time" made her less interested in her husband, because, ostensibly, she’s always getting her rocks off to the image of another man. She had to think about that one for a minute, but ended up with, "No, it just adds variety to the situation." She said fantasizing about being with another man is just like fantasizing about being on vacation in Tahiti, or being Angelina Jolie. It’s something that would never happen, at least not in the short term, but it helped her think about something other than her worries and the mundane daily aspects of life.

I started thinking about this later. Personally I agree it’s perfectly fine, and mostly healthy, for married people to have fantasies. It’s something that happens almost automatically, and it probably saves many people from major boredom. Is it okay, though, when you’re actually in the act with your partner? Is it an innocuous form of adultery? And as devis, do our stricter rules on sexual topics make us prude for even raising this topic?
Anonymous said...

of course i am going to post as anon. i do think this discussion has a place here because one of this things this blog can do is let us talk about stuff we never would in person. i am not married but if i were, i could see starting to fantasize after a few years of being with one person. it's probably not a big deal unless you start having a hard time dealing with reality-which is that you're going to be with the same man for the forseeable future. i think porn too is an option - why not do it with your husband? it could be a turn-on.

Anonymous said...

I think there's a problem with someone not being EVER fully present when she's "with" her husband. Everyone fantasizes once in awhile - that's normal. But every single time? I'm not so sure about that being okay.

yl said...

teehee, i am blushing.

Anonymous said...

I don't know! I've read that married women who tend to masturbate alot tend to get less turned on by their spouses. So how do you know that the more you fantasize about someone else, the more likely you are to not find your spouse attractive. Brad Pitt in your head may turn into Joe Smith from your office in due time.

monica said...

am loving the discussion devis! thanks for being brave enough to post on this rather risque topic!

ma said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
ma said...

Okay, I'll bite... in that, I'll ask a question back - anyone know anything about the husbands doing any fantasizing? As some are saying it is healthy for women to fantasize, would it be upsetting if you knew your husband/significant other fantasized about other women?

monica said...

good point, ma. maybe it depends on whom he's fantasizing about -- someone you know, or aishwarya rai??

raj and jas said...

We know a lots of desi couples that fantasize about others and are open about it. Most common fantasy is about other friends.

Some go step or two farther but thats a different story.

Love your blog; especially the brown girl comic. Very insightful. Make it regular feature if you can; once a week, every Monday or something.

Seemi said...

Or.... do you fantasize about having a "sister-wife"?

Check this devi out;


Viagra Online said...

This is very common I'm married and I love my wife but all people fantasize others, to be honest my wife always tell me we have to interchange others during intimation, for me that's perfect I don't get angry about it.

Anonymous said...

Iv been wit my girl for 5 years n I crave her pussy as we speake

Anonymous said...

From my point of view, a man, I think it's understandably ok to have an imaginary partner for private masturbation session, but not when you're with your actual partner. Fantasize sex as much as you can during private masturbation and then acted out with your partner. Just don't have high expectation it will turn out to be as perfect as your fantasies. They are just fantasies after all; fantasizing you are able fly does not mean you actually can fly, but you can play it out.

My sincere confession from previous relationship:
Yes, men do fantasize other women. It's a guilty pleasure and yes it is very dangerous. I used to fantasize other women during sex with my ex-fiance: close friends, coworkers, gf's friends/sisters, you name them. Over time, I became less and less physically attracted to my ex-fiance. Though I think she has a great personality and loved by my families and friends.

Call me shallow or whatever you want, I'm just a man (even though I'm well educated and career-oriented) with a raw instinct. I enjoy quality times with my ex-fiance, but I'm more attracted/aroused being around other women. My ex-fiance became a person to go home to, a person to call it a day with; she became a home-buddy/exceptional roommate. My love for her faded away over time. I have not directly cheat on my ex-fiance and am hate cheating and cheaters, so I call off the engagement and moved on. Yes, I regret all my actions in the past. I could have done better for her and my life. I was devastated, confused, and lost. I didn't know what I want from life or what I'm looking for in a woman at that moment.

Currently, I'm with someone I love, and try to avoid past mistakes by limiting my imaginary partner only in my private masturbation session. Now, I find myself attracted and crave for my gf. I hope this one last happily ever after. And I hope she does the same, though we have not have any communication on this matter.

Why am I on this blog/threads. Because I suspect my current gf is having this other-men-fantasies while with me. She always close her eyes every time we have sex and hardly say my name (exactly what I did in the past). My recent discoveries about her are she watches porn and masturbate when I'm not around. She claims she thinks about me and imagining about me. Maybe it's karma, it haunts me back. Good luck with your life!

Anonymous said...

The ultimate fantasy would be to acually talk on the telephone to the person you are fantasising about as you are being intimate with your partner.

desi lover

Anonymous said...

Yes I do think of beautiful women when I masturbate. I imagine that I am kissing there sweet pussy and eat pussies. I am a pussy lover.

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