The Newest Euphemism: "Consensual Living"

Last night, once again, I attempted to feed my kids dinner. Key word, of course: "Attempted". The younger one is easy enough, but with D., it's the 5:00pm epic battle that confronts me every day. Shields were worn, fighting words were had and, in the end, there were no victors. After much back and forth, and 2+ years of pretty much forcing D. to eat dinner, which entailed sitting with him for hour upon hour as he squirmed and did anything but eat, we are finally trying the "they're not going to starve themselves" model. A part of me calls this failure on my part. But others, apparently, are calling it consensual living:

Founded in 2006 by some North Carolina families, consensual living is an alternative parenting model in which kids are equal partners in family life. In these non-hierarchical families, it is all about understanding each other's feelings and finding mutually agreeable solutions where everyone's wants and needs are addressed. In a consensual family, the smallest child's desires are equal to those of the parents and, unless it involves safety, nobody makes anybody do anything they don't want to.

Hmmm. Lets learn more...

Per the Consensual Living website (warning: there is annoying music when you click the link): There is no such thing as "have to" in the consensual living world. If your kid hits somebody on the playground, you can discuss with him what you would do but he does not "have to" apologize. Rewards and punishment for good and bad behavior are considered "tools of manipulation." And there are testimonials and sound bites about about how much more free and pleasant the family dynamic is once the parents give up traditional notions and structures of authority.

Wow. It's like some sort of Walden Pond utopia movie writ small to fit into a household. Communism for the suburbs? One the one hand, the idea that my 3 year old has the "self-determination" (a consensual living buzz word) to decide whether he wants to eat his broccoli does dovetail with the current approach we are taking to the horrible eating habits we have let him develop. We are now presenting him with food at proper times and letting him decide if he is going to eat, as opposed to trying every trick in the book to get him to take one measly bite of food. Is this a "consensual living" approach? We are done telling D. he "has to" eat his dinner. Consensual living?

But let's go further. There are certainly things that D. does "have to" do. While we are probably on the lax side of the parent-strictness-spectrum, I truly cannot imagine how certain events (e.g., D. going to bed) would happen unless there was an axiomatic line in the sand, an authoritative mandate that This Has To Happen Now. Haven't we all heard time and time again that children need boundaries? I accept that as true primaly--do we need to re-examine that idea?

No, I don't think so. I mean, seriously? I am 31 years old and I still do things out of deference to my parents. At this point I think it's the way it should be--as my dad would say, "Love the young, Respect the Old."

It's interesting and almost novel to think about a family model that involves respecting the opinions of everyone equally. It seems very p.c., like discussing with you child his view on toilet paper ("pro? con?"). But, here it is... I am going to hold out till D. can do things like wipe his own butt before I give equal play to his ideas of how the world should work. Cue the violins, here comes the Czarina...!

Do You Eat Flesh?

Are you vegetarian? Are you raising your kids to be vegetarian? Our kids are vegetarian thus far but we are not completely sure, yet, how important it is to us to raise them as strict vegetarians. I am one of those born-and-bred veggies--both of my parents are vegetarian and my sister and I were raised in that tradition. This was in the 80s in Michigan so you can imagine the confusion of those around us.

"Wait. You don't eat any meat?"
"Nope..."
"Not even hamburgers?
"Well of course we eat hamburgers, just not any other meat, don't be silly."

Heh.

Now firmly-established in Berkeley, it is less weird to be vegetarian that it is to be the kid who eats sugar instead of agave nectar. Definite cultural shift. Across the country it seems that more people have warmed to the vegetarian lifestyle. And, while I never really chose to refrain from meat, I have come to embrace the lifestyle and I came upon this article that, at first blush, made me feel proud and responsible to be a vegetarian which, in turn, made me more committed to raising vegetarian kids. According to the article:

If everyone went vegetarian just for one day, the U.S. would save:

● 100 billion gallons of water, enough to supply all the homes in New England for almost 4 months;

● 1.5 billion pounds of crops otherwise fed to livestock, enough to feed the state of New Mexico for more than a year;

● 70 million gallons of gas -- enough to fuel all the cars of Canada and Mexico combined with plenty to spare;

● 3 million acres of land, an area more than twice the size of Delaware;

● 33 tons of antibiotics.

If everyone went vegetarian just for one day, the U.S. would prevent:

● Greenhouse gas emissions equivalent to 1.2 million tons of CO2, as much as produced by all of France;

● 3 million tons of soil erosion and $70 million in resulting economic damages;

● 4.5 million tons of animal excrement;

● Almost 7 tons of ammonia emissions, a major air pollutant.

My favorite statistic is this: According to Environmental Defense, if every American skipped one meal of chicken per week and substituted vegetarian foods instead, the carbon dioxide savings would be the same as taking more than half a million cars off of U.S. roads. See how easy it is to make an impact?

Like I said, at first blush, this article had me fluffing my feathers. Look at me, eco-conscious mother of the world. I'm all for anything that paints me to be a world-savvy, responsible person--it's nice to have delusions about ourselves...! But, upon a little more contemplation, these statistics seem--well--for lack of a more scientific term: totally whack. Obviously, even if the entire world went vegetarian tomorrow, we wouldn't just stop feeding cows would we? And what about all the people in the meat industry--what would become of them? And why doesn't the author cite any sources for such sensational statistics?

In some ill-defined, nebulous way, I do think being vegetarian makes sense and if I had to choose right now in a gun-to-the-head moment (oh the irony) I would say, yes, I want to raise my kids to be vegetarian. In part because it seems better for the environment and it appears to have health benefits, but in part, also, because it was the way I was raised and as I have said many times, I think we often come to see our childhoods as the Holy Grail of how things should be done. But, my husband is not vegetarian. And I am well-aware of many vegetarians, such as myself, who often load up on carbs and dairy--which doesn't seem particularly well-balanced or healthy. I also happened upon this article, which claims that kids who are raised vegetarian are at greater risk for developing weird eating issues later in life. Go figure: You can find statistics to support both sides of this issue. Quel surprise.

Thoughts? Many Indians are vegetarian--are you? Is your spouse? Do you want to raise your kids to eat flesh?!? (Yes--I know it is a loaded way to phrase the question...!)

Thanksgiving Recipes With a Devi Flair

Since Thanksgiving is coming up, it's time to start thinking about what to cook for the big day. One idea popular in many devis' homes is taking traditional Thanksgiving dishes and spicing them up with an Indian flair. Yes, we all remember our mothers sprinkling masala onto our french fries and baked potatoes, so why should we be any different?

While some recipes seem to go over the top (remember the giant red Tandoori turkey, much like the one above, in the movie Kissing Cousins?), here are some more subtle fusion Thanksgiving recipes that look and sound great. If you try any of them at your house, we're always available to come over for sampling!

The East Indian Turkey - The turkey recipe to make all other turkey recipes seem bland.

Turkey Tandoori Legs - From our favorite desi chef, Sanjay Thamma of VahRehVah.com.

Alu Gobi stuffing - Stove Top is still my favorite, but I'm willing to give this a try.

Indian Green Bean Salad - A perfect, easy take-along dish if you're invited elsewhere.

Indian Popcorn - Popcorn, chaat style.

Cranberry Chutney - This keeps in the fridge for two weeks, if you want to get an early start on cooking. (Wow, I really sound like my mother now!)

Indian Pumpkin Chiffon Pie - Basic rule of cooking: cardamom makes everything taste better.

Indian Corn Bread Pudding - Looks super easy and super yummy.

Chai-Spiced Caramel Fondue - Warming spices make this sound like the perfect party-dish-in-front-of-a-fire.

Mango Rose Water Cocktail - We may not wait until Thanksgiving for this one.

Desi Home Remedies for Colds

Cold season is upon us, and with the new restrictions on giving children under six cold medicines, it’s going to be an even tougher one for devis with babies.

Fortunately, this is one of those areas where our heritage proves to be an asset. Indian home remedies, using all-natural ingredients, seem to exist for every ailment under the sun. Below are some simple ones I’ve tried that have worked. They’re not always the best-tasting, or best-smelling for that matter, but at least they’ll provide some relief for your little one (and for yourself). I've added honey to some of them to make them more palatable for children.

Also, don’t forget the tried-and-true-but-often-forgotten ways to give children with a cold better sleep:
-warm chicken or vegetable noodle soup before they sleep
-humidifier or vaporizer in their room at night
-a small amount of Vicks rubbed on their chest or blanket

Ginger tea: Shred an inch-long piece of ginger. Add the shredded ginger to a small pot. Add a tablespoon of lemon, honey to taste and 2 cups of water. Boil. Great for chest congestion and coughs.

Ginger juice: I wouldn’t have believed this unless I saw it work myself. It provides instant relief for chest congestion in children. First thing in the morning, before your child has had any food or water, shred a small piece of ginger. Squeeze it through a strainer so you get a small amount of ginger juice. Only a teaspoonful is needed. Put the juice in a dropper or oral syringe. Now for the tricky part: have your child swallow the juice. This is best achieved by putting the dropper fairly deep into their mouths. They will scream, cry and possible curse you, but shortly after that they will either cough or vomit up insane amounts of phlegm, and 2 minutes later they’ll be in the best mood ever. This is the best remedy for chest congestion I’ve seen.

Turmeric milk drink: Heat 1/2 cup of milk. Add ½ teaspoon turmeric, 1/2 teaspoon melted butter or ghee, and a few sprinkles of salt. Stir and drink. Works wonders for sore throats and coughs.

Nasal drops: For excessive nasal congestion. Add 1/4 teaspoon of table salt to about 1 teaspoon of lukewarm water. Using a nasal syringe or dropper, put 1 to 2 drops in each nostril about 3 to 4 times daily. The salt loosens up the mucus inside, making it easier to breathe through the nose.

Tamarind-pepper rasam: Add 1/2 teaspoon of tamarind paste to 1/2 cup of hot water. Add 1/4 teaspoon of black pepper and 1/2 teaspoon of melted butter or ghee. Add honey to taste and drink. This will clear up nasal and chest congestion.

Got any of your own cold remedies to share, devis?

Devi Food: Best Recipe Site Ever

My father has rarely cooked a meal during his 70-plus years. In that regard, he’s a pretty typical Indian male in his generation. It just wasn’t done in India, and by the time we migrated to America, he was in his 40s and well-indoctrinated into the “Real Men Don’t Cook” school of thought.

Thirty years later, he’s been treated to some spectacular meals by his son and son-in-laws. I mentioned before that we’re a cooking family, but it still wasn’t enough to get him into the kitchen.

Then one day, he and my mom went to dinner at the home of a couple they had newly befriended. They were eating an amazing meal of chicken and biryani when my father started complimenting the wife on the food. “Don’t tell me,” she said, “tell him.”

To my father’s (and my mother’s) amazement, she said her husband, who is my dad’s age, had made all of the food. And suddenly, as I like to imagine it, a light switched on in my dad’s head. The Light of the Enlightened Indian Man. Real men can cook, he realized, and really well!!

My dad and his friend spent the rest of the evening talking about cooking (!), and the secret to this man’s culinary success was revealed: a website that showcases simple Indian cooking videos. The key is that the chef in the videos is an Indian guy. (Clearly he brings out the “if he can do it, so can I” male competitive hormone.) So my dad went home, watched some of the videos, and started cooking. My mom, needless to say, is thrilled.

News of the website caught on among his friends, and before long they decided to have a dinner party in which -- and I love this part -- all the husbands cooked instead of the wives! The photo here is from their dinner night. Can you imagine how psyched their wives were?!

When I heard all of this, first of all, I brimmed over with pride for my dad. I can imagine it's not easy to develop a completely new hobby -- not to mention overturn a mindset -- at that point in life. Secondly, I figured if this website inspired my father to start cooking, it must be pretty good. So I went on and took a look myself, and seriously: I am willing to guarantee that, if you cook even just a little right now, this website will inspire you to try a dish you've never made before.

It’s called VahRehVah.com, and it features 5-to-10 minute videos of everything from chilli paneer to banana dosai (“your kids will go crazy about this item”). Some of it is way too complex for me – I don’t think I’m going to be making jalebi any time soon. But the vast majority of the recipes are easy. The most-viewed section includes butter chicken, egg biryani, and vegetable puffs (an easy appetizer for parties – buy frozen pastry sheets and fill them with any type of vegetable or meat filling, then bake). The recipes are in written and video form. I love the videos because they show details, like the exact size chopped potatoes should be, or what a “gravy” should actually look like.

The cook in the videos cracks me up as much as the name of the site. “Vah-Chef” Sanjay Thumma, who could easily be one of my cousins in India, has an infectious excitement about food. His down-home attitude about the whole thing is refreshing. He’s got a special kids’ corner, named after his daughter Shreya, featuring dishes that kids like. Best of all, the site is dedicated to his mom, “who inspired me and introduced me to this awesome world of cooking and culinary art. My house always smelled good. It wasn’t the smell of room fresheners or incense sticks. Rather, it was the smell of fresh baking and cooking.”

Check it out, and while you're at it, call your husband/fiance/boyfriend over. You never know when that male competitive hormone will kick in!

A Short-Cut Recipe for Indian Food

Indian food can be pretty labor-intensive, especially if you’re trying to make it on weeknights after a long day at work. I’ve discovered a short-cut that makes it a lot easier. It consists of making a basic gravy or “raso” over the weekend that you store in the refrigerator. Then, two or three times a week, you can take a portion out, heat it in a pot, add a vegetable or meat to it, and serve it with bread or rice. Best of all, it involves ingredients that are probably already in your kitchen.

A disclaimer: The amounts in this recipe are majorly estimated, so if they don’t seem right to you, feel free to add/subtract where needed.

Here’s what you’ll need:
½ cup canola oil
2 tbsp whole cumin
½ tbsp turmeric
1 tbsp red pepper (add less if you don’t want any spice)
4 tbsp ground cumin/ground coriander mix (dhana jeroo)
1 large white onion, chopped
4 cloves garlic, chopped
1 i-inch piece of ginger, chopped
6 medium tomatoes, chopped
Salt to taste
Main ingredient (see below)
Optional: chopped coriander

Here’s what to do:
Heat oil in a non-stick pot on medium high heat. When hot, add whole cumin. Add onions and stir. When the onions become golden or translucent after 4-5 minutes, add garlic and ginger. Stir for 2-3 minutes. Add tomatoes and stir. Add turmeric, red pepper, ground cumin/coriander, and salt, and stir. Turn heat down to medium and cover. Simmer for 5-10 minutes, stirring occasionally. Add a little water if it starts getting dry.

The ingredients will mix together and become thick, forming a lumpy gravy. Wait until it cools, then store it in your fridge.

Later in the week, you can take some of the raso out and heat it up. Now you can add a number of different vegetables and/or meat as a main ingredient, including:

-Cooked pieces of chicken
-Lightly sauteed paneer cubes and chopped spinach
-Shrimp
-A defrosted package of mixed vegetables
-Boiled eggs, peeled and halved

After putting the main ingredient in, stir and let everything cook for a few more minutes. Garnish with coriander if you’re a fan. Voila, easy Indian food!

Do you have any short-cuts to making Indian food? We'd love to hear them!

Is Splenda Hazardous to your Health?

When it came out, Splenda was heralded as the non-sugar that finally tasted like sugar. Lots of new moms incorporate it into their daily diet as they try to lose their baby weight.

But a new Duke University study adds fresh ammunition to the charge that it’s not very good for you – in fact, it may contribute to obesity, destroy “good” intestinal bacteria and prevent prescription drugs from being absorbed.

Splenda, of course is crying foul, saying the study was financed by competitors of Splenda, including the Sugar Association. But the Duke U. researchers are insisting the sugar industry had no input in the study’s findings and conclusions.

The final jury may still be out on this one, but it’s something to keep an eye on as you sweeten those baked goods and coffees.

Pack a Punch for your Picky Eater

I just got finished attempting to feed my oldest son dinner and, frankly, I think it's time for bed I'm so exhausted. I think he is the pickiest eater I have ever met (next to--ahem--his mother...!) We are in week 3 of preschool and, in my estimation, he has eaten a sum total of three bites of food at lunch. Every time a morsel of food passes his lips I declare victory (sometimes with arms-in-the-air dance moves). If the morsel is healthy, I begin planning a parade. Which is why when I learned about double-time-magic-super-healthy food combinations I was so happy. I am up for anything that packs more of a healthy punch when it comes to feeding my kids. (I even tried the whole sneaking sweet potatoes into homemade brownies bit--but that plan got sort of sabatoged by the fact that I don't really make homemade brownies...) Anyway, the double-time-magic-super-healthy food combos are based on the principle that specific pairings of healthy food make them even more nutritious. Apparently, some vitamins and minerals feed off of others, letting your child absorb more. Some examples:

-Strawberies and Whole Wheat Toast: The vitamin C in strawberries converts the iron in whole-wheat bread to a form that cells can absorb.

-Oatmeal with Milk: The magnesium in oats increases the amount of calcium your child gets from the milk by keeping it from binding to fiber and other nutrients.

-Olive Oil and Veggies: The healthy fat in olive oil helps your child absorb the veggies' antioxidants.

-Chicken and Carrots: My kids are vegetarian so I haven't tried this one--but the zinc in chicken helps the body metabolize the carrots' vitamin A.

Tomorrow I am going to attempt to force-feed my son strawberries and wheat toast all day. Somewhere, my mom--who endured years of me subsisting on cottage cheese and cottage cheese alone--is laughing and perhaps muttering "karma" under her breath.

Hoorah for the slow-food movement!

My family is big on cooking. Whenever we get together we basically sit around, cook, eat, talk, sleep, repeat. My mother makes the best Gujarati food you’ve ever tasted – we’re talking paper-thin rotlis, and patra and khandvi made from scratch. My brother’s specialty is hot and spicy – Chinese, Italian, you name it, he’ll find a way to put a habanero in it. My sister-in-love also specializes in spicy -- her South Indian dishes are to die for. My sister and brother-in-law, who live in the South, do everything from pork chops and korma to day-long pig roasts. And we here take advantage of all the fresh California produce, often just throwing it into the pot along with some spices and seeing what comes out. Even my father, a septuagenarian, has begun cooking. This is huge, since, having lived in India until his 40s, he never really stepped foot in the kitchen before that except to ask for more salt!

Cooking can seem like a chore, but I just read an article in the New York Times about how people are embracing it again. People – to me, demi-gods – like Alice Waters and Michael Pollan speak and write lovingly about a "new trend" called the slow-food movement: gathering fresh ingredients, taking time to enjoy chopping and cooking them, and then sharing them with family or friends. But for me, that concept started way back in the 70s during my childhood Saturday mornings. The house would be filled with some delicious smell emanating from my mom’s cooking. The whole family would be in the kitchen chatting, watching the Indian show (back then it was one show on once a week, not a selection of 24-hour cable channels), reading the paper, drinking chai and waiting for the food. And then on our plates would arrive uttapam, upma, or some other yummy thing. Today, as we try to do the same thing in our kitchen (albeit with french toast, omelettes or pancakes instead) I see the same joy in my daughter as she waits for and eats my food. It’s the simplest act of love: fresh ingredients, lovingly prepared, from my hand to her mouth. Seen from that angle, it no longer seems like a chore.

The Lunchbox Chronicles

I know this is probably the millionth time this back-to-school season that some random mom is writing about the mind-numbing act of making a lunch for her child every morning but here goes anyway. It is absolutely mind-numbing to pack a lunch for my child every morning. And I have only been doing this for 3 weeks! There is something so overwhelmingly deflating about picking up my son and opening his lunchbox, only to find: The exact same configuration I packed 7 hours ago. It is like getting a giant F in lunch packing every day. I need a remedial lunch packing class. My son can't even read yet, but if he could I would put a post-it note in his lunch box that said: "I am sorry I suck so badly at this, I love you." Is anyone working on a pill we can give our children for lunch? That would be the equivalent of a balanced nutritious meal? (As in a real one, not like the ads that show Lucky Charms as part of a balanced, nutritious meal...so long as you eat them with wheat toast, a banana, and a different, actually nutritious cereal). My foodie husband, parents and sister are collectively gasping in horror right now over the idea of a medicinal pill in lieu of a tasty meal--but if anyone is working on this, please add me to your mailing list, sign me up for the seminar, let me know if you need help in marketing. I'm in.