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If you were to look at my Google calendar these days, you would think D and S are the most popular people on the planet. 1st birthday parties, 2nd birthday parties, 3rd birthday parties, "summer fun" trips to Fairyland, preschool day at the zoo, 3 1/2 birthday parties (I'm not kidding). On and on. And on. I joke that I couldn't "overprogram" my kids even if I wanted to because there's no time in between the birthday parties...!
For many of us, a child's birthday party on the weekend has become like the Thursday night happy hours of college: Ubiquitous. And with ubiquity comes obligation. How can we not go to Mary's birthday party when Mary came to D's, what will Mary's parents think, all that "social etiquette" that I truly thought in naive fashion I would never get bogged down by. (Spoiler alert: I was wrong). And obligation just sort of takes the happy part out of happy birthday, doesn't it? I realized recently--with more than a little bit of embarrassment--that I have stopped having fun at all these kiddie brouhahas At a 1st birthday party yesterday, I actually found myself annoyed with D for taking too long to walk through a farm. Annoyed at my kid for having too much fun at a birthday party. Yikes. Wake up call anybody?
I actually had to remind myself that--I love birthday parties (as long as they are not for me). I love cupcakes, games, hell I even still get excited for silly goody bags with plastic loot. I love celebrating the people who are important to me. And I love being present for the milestones of the growing legion of children who are in my little world. For all of those reasons and more I want to bring back the happy in happy birthday, bring back the fun. Yesterday at the park, D and S were having a ball, running around, going up and down the slide, feeding the animals, being kids. Sure, S inhaled a cupcake and proceeded to vomit it--but that's pretty much par for the course, right?!? My point: The kids are loving the party and I am going through logistics in my head, wondering how to say hello to everyone and leave in time for naps, thinking about whether S can nap in the car en route to the other birthday party we have to attend later in the afternoon. On and on. I didn't stop and smell the roses (or the cow manure as the case may be--the party was at a farm after all) for even a second. And that is my loss.
I need to reboot. See the trail to the little pond as the magical, wonderful event that D sees it as, as opposed to the diversion that adds 10 minutes to my agenda. And maybe I have to start saying no more. No the party for the girl in D's school that I don't even know--and that D doesn't even know; no to the playdate with a friend of a friend of a friend; no to the gratuitous events and parties and social occasions that have made me forget how much I love events and parties and social occasions. Because the joy of these things is more than crossing off "K's birthday party" from your check-list. The joy is in relishing your presence in these peoples' lives. Contemplating your good fortune for being included in such milestones. Engaging and re-engaging with the people you love. The joy is celebrating a single day of noisiness and merriment, cake and sugar comas, knowing full well that you are building a life with these people composed of quieter moments, and the everyday nothingness that, really, is everything.
Deepa is a wife, mother, writer and she sometimes masquerades as a lawyer as well. She revels in friendship, humor, champagne, and laughing at herself--often. She never ever reads US Magazine, thinks Rushdie is a genius, wishes she could write one sentence as funny as "Arrested Development," and lives in the Bay Area with her motley crew. She can be reached at deviswithbabies@gmail.com
OH I can relate, the birthday party madness never stops and you're right, once you are on that rat race you can't get out!
One thing that has worked for some of us: Group bdays for all the kids born together. That and not buying presents all the time. Hope that helps!
It's like you read my mind, I don't know how it happened that my weekend consists of carting my kids around to their social obligations. I feel guilty when I say no to them, but I feel resentful to have to go to so many when I have no time for myself. What to do what to do??
This is all fine and good and I finished reading it with that wrm fuzzy feeling but then I looked at the calendar again and realized that even if we said no to some stuff, it is still just too packed. I don't know how to fix it!
Well said and you managed to put into words something my husband and I have been feeling for at least a year now, thanks for giving me the resolve to try to change it.
I love birthday parties too, at least I used to, but you are right enough is enough! I don't want to look back on this period of life and just remember one park outing after another, one cake after another. Our DD is one so we are hoping this sort of thing dies down as they get older?
Am I the only one who wishes we had MORE of these things to take our kids to? I am new in town (just moved to Boston) and I am dying to get my kid hooked into these sorts of circles I am so worried about her socialization after the move. Please take pity on the preschool mom who is new and trying to make friends.
Oh social propriety how you invade our live. It's the Indian in you, I promise, and I was the same way, thinking I would be so "different" and then essentially turning into my mom. There's no getting around it, really, we care what people think.
If you were on the other side of this issue (you didn't have birthday parties to attend) you would be wishing you had more. Grass is always greener. I've been on both sides and both have their pros and cons.
WELL SAID.
Hilarious. This weekend we went to 2 kid birthday parties, 1 baby shower, and one graduation party. It NEVER ENDS!!!
Coming from a reformed-go-to-everything mom: It is worth its weight in gold to be picky about the events you go to. You will enjoy everything more, even if, sometimes, you feel bad that you are letting some things or even people slide.
My kids are 6 and 3 and I don't know if you want to hear this but the center of the social world being your children's events doesn't really stop, even if you do eventually opt out of certain "obligations." There was a great article somewhere about how the death of carpooling and our inability to let our kids walk places on their own etc has resulted in modern parenthood really being much like a chauffeur. I'm here to tell you it's true.
THANK YOU for writing this, I feel like a b*tch when I bring this up sometimes with friends, nice to know I'm not alone!
please oh please show me where those "quieter moments" are, the noise in my head must be drowning them out! thanks for writing this i could not possibly agree more. we have been to countless birthday parties at this point and i now know that while it's fun to sometimes have the big blow out, the bday partise for kids that seem most succesful and meaningful to us, at this opint, are the ones that are smaller, more manageable. my two cents. thanks!
(Cut yourself some slack. Kids sometimes move VERY SLOWLY!!!!!!!! :):))
Hmm, all this to look forward to!
It's true. I've skipped a ton of preschool bday parties if my daughter really does't know/play with the kid. I went to target and bought a bunch of preschool board games, gender neutral on sale for cheap (like $7) to stock up. I send a small gift to the kids at school if we're skipping the party (cute little art type things I get on sale for like $5), so I feel less guilty. And, I'm planning my first kids party this year for the 4th bday and I didn't invite every kid in school. It's silly. But you're right - I get that twinge of upset when I find out my daughter didn't get invited to something at the same time that I complain that she has too many parties! You can't win. My answer - more kid parties that serve alcohol to the parents, ha!
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This article is so good because I like to listen about birthdays these days because my birthday will be next month for this reason everything related get me sentimental, I'll invite my best friend Sildenafil Citrate