I got an interesting email from a reader last week, asking for my take on this article, entitled "Bad Parents and Proud of It." I read the whole piece with interest, as it dovetails with something I have been thinking more and more: We live in an age of confessional parenting. Even before I read the article I was starting to notice that more moms were writing essays about their "dirty little secret" that they give their kids sugar/are anti-extra curricular activities/use their children as child labor...! According to the article, traffic on certain sites increased exponentially when content involved "mommy confessions." Why is that? Is it simply that we want to hear what other people in our situation are saying and doing? Perhaps. But part of me thinks we like to read these things because it makes us feel better about ourselves. Jerry Springer for the mommy-set.
Somewhere along the way, it has become cool and almost necessary to downplay the things we do for our children. I am as guilty of this as anybody else. Whenever anybody gives me anything resembling a compliment about my children, I find some way to undermine it or give some apropos of nothing example of how I'm a "disaster" as a mom. And maybe I am a disaster. But that's not the point. At least not of this particular post...!
When did it become uncool to take pride in our parenting?
I am all for breaking down the walls of parental judgment. Your kid isn't sleep trained and is 4? So what. That wouldn't work for me, but hopefully it works for you. Your 3 year old isn't potty-trained? Guess what, mine either. But this article indicates a trend that goes deeper than this. It indicates a sort of badge of honor that parents are starting to desire for doing things like pushing over their toddlers and letting their kids watch 6 hours of tv a day. Now, can't lie, there have been days when D has watched so much tv his eyes are glazed over. But I am ashamed of this. I want to fix it. I don't want a plaque, or a slap on the back with the corresponding "we all do that" speech.
Like most thing, there is a thin line at play here. I happen to own every "mommy book" that references cocktails. "Sippy Cups are not for Chardonnay," "I laughed I cried I drank a Margarita"--all that stuff. So clearly I am firmly in the camp of people who never will be and never want to be Miss Perfect Mom. Playdates are better with a little champagne. That being said, I do feel proud about some of my parenting, some of the little ways I am raising my kids. And I hope to accumulate more little nuggets of pride as they grow older and need more guidance. Will we be living in a world where, even to my friends, I won't be allowed to express that pride? And, as the article points out, what will it feel like if and when our children hear or read the way we are talking about them?
**Thanks to Atul for the link to the article!
Deepa is a wife, mother, writer and she sometimes masquerades as a lawyer as well. She revels in friendship, humor, champagne, and laughing at herself--often. She never ever reads US Magazine, thinks Rushdie is a genius, wishes she could write one sentence as funny as "Arrested Development," and lives in the Bay Area with her motley crew. She can be reached at deviswithbabies@gmail.com
super interesting article, i never really thought about it this way, but i konw i do the same thing.
good questions and like above poster i never relaly looked at it this way. amongst my friends we are all averse to taking credit for anyhting which is usually a good thing but i can see your point. i think the problem is that none of us wants to be crazy aggro mom but in that quest we may be overcompensating?
i think there have always been "confessional" parents and more conventional parents. the thing is that, now, with twitter and facebook and blogs and whatnot, the confessional parents seem to be getting alot more airtime.
THANK YOU for writing this!! I have never been able to put it into words but I sometimes feel like I am being judged by my peers when I say things like I do hope to be as close to the perfect mom as I can be. I don't mean it to sound arrogant I mean it to be a goal I set for myself. I didn't bake cookies before kids and I do now. I like giving it to them. But most of my friends make fun of the people who "change" after kids and do things like--bake cookies. And I can understand that but isn't it just as judgmental to judge me for changing as it is for me to judge them for not?
I think that most of us just worry sometimes about appearing to be "bragging". And for good reason. How obnoxious is it when you meet the mom who is telling you about how her son could spell at 1 1/2 or whatever. But you're right, there is a "thin line" and I never really thought about how my son would feel if he read all the emails I write to people in which I am self-disparaging about how I parent him. I mean, what are the chances but still?!?! Great post. :)
I thikn the article is a little bit sensationalist. Surely "mom sites" don't always get more traffic when there is a story of a trainwreck mom right?
I totally know what you are talking about. There are these moms at my son's preschool who do wear it as a badge of honor that they let their kids eat candy and whatnot. Of course I let my kid eat candy too but am I supposed to be proud or--even holier than thou about it!!!
this is such an odd article! when did speaking the truth become villified????
Thanks for the shout-out!
I think the article's point about moms being pressured is a good one - but I think that how these moms are setting a bad example for how to handle that pressure. Parenting seems to be the one profession that everyone thinks they know something about - and that means that a parent will be surrounded by source of advice and criticism. It is part of a parent's job to filter it out.
What bothers me the most is that these parents are forgetting that this is really about the kids. Pushing your kids over b/c some crackpot PT says its a good idea - is there no other way for you to vent your anger? How is that different from slapping your kid or hitting them with a belt?
Parenting is hard - very hard. If you see some rewards for your hard work, you should be proud of it and not afraid to share that with others around you.
Could not agree more with the above poster. Interesting read!