Monday Musings: Let He Who Has Not Sinned...

Monday, July 27, 2009

It has become a universal refrain amongst the most open-minded, wonderful moms I know that "I don't judge another mom based on anything." I say it myself, I understand why we say it: We realize parenthood is really difficult and that what may work for me may not work for you. It is aspirational, in a way, so that when we see the mom feeding her little girl excessive amounts of Pixi Stix on the plane, we try to understand that that may be the one way that her darling daughter will sit still, it might have been a promised treat, maybe they are organic Pixi Stix....!

I understand it but sometimes I wonder what we are doing to our own moral compasses to take so much pride in not judging anything. When do we cross the line between being open-minded to becoming unopinionated in a borderine-lobotomized way?

This sort of obtuse question came to mind last night as I was (for the first time in many weeks) reading the New York Times magazine cover to cover (oh how I have missed you!). Did you catch the article called "Love in 2-D" about the growing legion of Japanese men seeking love and companionship with...body-pillow girlfriends? Yes. That's right. There is a growing number of adult males in Japan who are in "relationships" with body pillows printed with these sort of pre-pubescent wide-eyed anime characters on them. They take the body pillows on dates, some have sex with them, they say things like "a 2-D relationship is much more passionate than a 3-D one" and, of their "companions," "she is my life's work."

Reading this article, my mind was racing. Terms like child pornograpy and sociopath jumped around in my head. But another, probably highly-conditioned portion of my mind kept reeling in my gut reaction and telling me to not judge, to be empathetic, to put myself into these mens' shoes. Obviously they are lonely. Obviously they have been hurt. Most probably would love a real relationship and are using these pillows as a substitute till they get there.

Right?

Who knows. I am just curious about this phenomenon of being tolerant of everything. I think part of being a mature, thoughtful, sensient person in the world involves seeing nuance in situations. I hope to raise empathetic childrend. But, end of the day, I am also pretty sure that the idea of a grown man romancing a pillow of a 10 year old girl in a bikini is objectively disturbing. And yet--I recoil at the idea of coming to such a conclusion. Such a judgment. Because I don't judge...!

Maybe it's the fact that I wouldn't want even these Japanese pillow-lovers to judge certain aspects of my life. Maybe it's the internalized belief that we never truly understand what somebody else is going through, or what is really going through somebody else's mind. Maybe it's the greatest acknowledgment of the human condition to not judge--because, really, we all do what we need to do to get through the day. I don't know. But I do wonder about the amount of pride I have taken in being ostensibly "non-judgmental." Why is it so important to me?

...Incidentally, has the NYTimes Magazine always been so child-centric? In case you missed it, check out this beautiful article about an inspirational lesbian couple fighting to keep the child they have fostered since she was a 2 week old with crack in her bloodstream, incapable of even a moment of sleep. And also this piece about the messages we give our children, as told from the point of view of a columnist who grew up living in fear.
9 comments:
Anonymous said...

That is insane...interesting questions.

Vera said...

There definitely is a think line between not judging and understanding that there are some universally bad things. Nobody would "not judge" a child molester right?

Anonymous said...

Good question. I feel similar but have no problem saying that it is just strange for a person to have sex with a pillow?!?!?!?

Anonymous said...

If you read the whole article you see that many of these Japanese men know they are acting in an errant way. It's really sad.

serena said...

definitely an interesting issue because, yes, like you, i often find myself "taking pride" in "not judging" others (espeically moms). tolerance of course IS about empathy. but there are some things that are just, judgmental or not, wrong.

Anonymous said...

That is one of the weirdest things I have ever heard. Also, I don't think you are ALIVE if you don't judge. JUst make your judgments reasonable and try not to hurt other people.

Cat said...

This can't be real? Just read the 2-D article, one of the saddest things I have ever read.

Anonymous said...

its like that situation you read about when you see a mom yelling at her kid at the grocery store right? its happened to me and i wanted to say something but didnt because how can i judge their situation, but youre right there have got to be certain things that are just wrong.

GoldenEmbers said...

Hey Deepa, I caught the Love in 2-D article too and what you wrote mirrored exactly what I was thinking. I feel so bad for them, but also, I just can't help but think that it's scary a man would be in love with a body pillow masquerading as a 10 year old girl....

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