Judith Warner knows how to stir the pot. This article, making waves throughout the internet and on chat-boards, tells us that if we want to be happy as mothers and as people, we need to lower our expectations. Going one step further than the usual cry to not sweat the little things and to give ourselves a break, Warner hypothesizes that our desires to be better and do more is actually tied up in a refusal to accept our own mortality:
If one were to be highbrow about it, one could see the desire for self-surpassing – the refusal to accept, for example, a muffin top, or a greater need for sleep – as a refusal to accept mortality, which is of course the ultimate self-limit.
Warner has a litany of Undone Things that rings true to every mom: Unorganized photos, art that isn't hung, those extra 5 (10) pregnancy pounds. Who doesn't have a to-do list that never goes away? But she decides that "living life to the fullest" does not necessitate fulfilling these sorts of goals. In fact, she says, living life to the fullest requires re-adjusting what we expect of ourselves.
I guess I agree. In part. If your to-do list is becoming your jailer and you never feel like you can relax and just be, I think it's time to re-evaluate. But throwing out all self-improvement aspirations? Isn't that a bit much?
Sometimes I wish I didn't want so much. Not as in things (okay sometimes things!), but in terms of the self-improvement goals that Warner seems to loathe. It would be easier if I didn't care about making photo albums and keeping the house in better shape.
But...I do want to make photo albums. I do want the house to be in better shape. Is it bad to want to be more? I don't think so. Yet, you read the comments to Warner's piece and it seems that moms everywhere feel oppressed by scrapbooks and are collectively waiting with baited breath till they get the okay to do...nothing...
I'm all about realistic expectations. But sometimes this sort of thinking is simply a justification for complacency. Nothing great about that expectation.
Plus, I am not letting my muffin-top win just yet.
Deepa is a wife, mother, writer and she sometimes masquerades as a lawyer as well. She revels in friendship, humor, champagne, and laughing at herself--often. She never ever reads US Magazine, thinks Rushdie is a genius, wishes she could write one sentence as funny as "Arrested Development," and lives in the Bay Area with her motley crew. She can be reached at deviswithbabies@gmail.com
The comments are pretty hilarious. But I think the main thing the author is saying is that we don't have to prove anything to anybody and if we let go of being Supermom happiness or at least something more like happiness will follow.
My favorite line from the main article: "Why would you want to do more than you already do." That is what it is about to me. We do enough! But I agree with you that there is nothing wrong with setting goals for ourselves, as long as they are within reason.
funny poster, can you imagine putting it up?! haha.
I had a similar reaction when I read this piece Saturday: What's wrong with trying to achieve more? There seems to be a culture of complacensy amongst mothers and maybe it's not such a bad thing to swing the pendelum back from aggro mom but at the same time, as always, a balanced approach is usually the right approach, not an extreme one.
I think the point of the photo albums is to show that something so trivial makes so many of us feel so much guilt. I don't make albums but it is always on my undone things list and i cant lie I feel like i am failing my kids by not making albums or doing one of many other things. so i think that the changed expectations approach makes sense at least for me.
"oppressed by scrapbooks": i feel like that!
My muffin top has already won. But the battle of the photo albums continues. It doesn't help matters that my mom has pretty much every second of my and my brother's lives documented and she did it while having a full time job, no digital cameras, etc. Also, she doesn't have a muffin top. Happy mother's day indeed!!!
I think Warner's article is silly for many of the same reasons you do. Why would you stop growing and learning ever?? I think you DO have to prioritize because there are always going to be things we can do "better." But prioritizing doesnt mean not doing anythign!
Well put. To add a caveat though: You don't HAVE to want to "better" yourself all the time, you are probably fine the way you are. On the other side, if you DO have goals of things you want to improve('muffin' top, patiences, activities with your kids) you shouldn't be jduged for that either. Your perogative.
I have a different take on this - I actually feel like having a child made me spend more time "enjoying life to the fullest." I stay at home with my son 3 days/week. Yes, I'm busy. Yes, I get a lot less sleep and need a lot more coffee. Yes, I have an endless to-do list that haunts me. But, for better or worse, my 15-month old boy can only spend so much time doing his own thing. He craves interaction with others - and I've found that the days I am home with him, it is pointless to try to work on my to-do list unless he happens to be napping. At first I would try to juggle the two, but found that my son wasn't happy at all and I was exhausted. Now I just enjoy my time with my son and take care of the to-dos later, as best I can. This has dramatically improved how much I enjoy being at home with my son and has also forced me to prioritize what's most important.
totally agree with atul: priorities change they just do.