We had such a great weekend--the perfect combination of time with the kids, time by ourselves, and time with friends (at a secret Dave Chappelle show in Oakland no less!). I spent much of Sunday in that cozy, fuzzy cocoon that, if you had to label it, would be called gratitude. Not much of a phone person, I even mustered up the energy to pick up the phone and call one of my best friends from law school. She and I are on constant contact on email but, obviously, there is nothing like a real conversation, where you hear someone's voice and where topics proceed in real time versus the weird timing of emails back and forth. I hung up the phone with a buzz--that is what time with good friends does right?
Apparently, it does more than that. According to this article, strong friendships may actually better your health and increase your life expectancy. Among the many mind-blowing statistics in the article: Women suffering from breast cancer who are without close friends are four times as likely to die from the disease as women with 10 or more friends. And, this anecdote blew me away as well:
Take a second to digest that: Friendship can actually change your perception of adverse situations!Last year, researchers studied 34 students at the University of Virginia, taking them to the base of a steep hill and fitting them with a weighted backpack. They were then asked to estimate the steepness of the hill. Some participants stood next to friends during the exercise, while others were alone.
The students who stood with friends gave lower estimates of the steepness of the hill. And the longer the friends had known each other, the less steep the hill appeared.
“People with stronger friendship networks feel like there is someone they can turn to,” said Karen A. Roberto, director of the center for gerontology at Virginia Tech. “Friendship is an undervalued resource. The consistent message of these studies is that friends make your life better.”
It reminds me of a scene from the Sex And the City Movie (which I didn't even really like...) Remember when Miranda calls Carrie on New Years Eve? The scene of Carrie getting up and rushing over to Miranda, telling her "You aren't alone," that beautiful version of Auld Lang Syne playing in the background--it's one of the best miniatures of what friendship means that I have ever seen...
Ever since I became a mother I have appreciated my friendships so much more. The simplest acts of human kindness make me well up now (why is that? do they inject cheesiness when they take out the baby?) so the wonderful, loving friendships I have in my life bowl me over, when I really think about it.
But here's the thing: It seems like lots of us have stopped making new friends. Think about it--when is the last time you met somebody you connected with and really got to cultivate a new friendship with her? We all have the usual rigamarole of why this is so, not the least of which is that--um--we are moms and are therefore busy. But is that it? Do we just not have time for new friends anymore?
According to this clip it's more than that. Entitled "Why Is It So Difficult To Make Mom Friends," this video chronicles women who explain their stumbling stones in finding kindred spirits amongst other moms. To wit: There's even an eHow post on the topic of "How to Make Mom Friends."
It can't be just time, can it? Are moms too judgmental to become close with other moms? Are our social interactions too focused on children to give friendships a chance? I wonder if that part of us that is curious to meet new people and experience new things gets dimmed a little post-children. Because of fatigue and time limitations, yes...but also because of complacency...we don't need new friends anymore, like me might have in college, or when we moved to a new city. We are fine with how things are...
I vacillate on the take-away from this though. On the one hand, I never feel like i have enough time for the wonderful friends I have. Perhaps the goal, then, should be to make more time for our friends in meaningful ways. Don't just play catch-up and replay the same jokes over and over again. Engage. Learn. Grow.
On the other, who wants life to be crystallized exactly where we are right now? We have to live and learn and change (hopefully for the better) and that means meeting new people and not being static. And though it's harder to make new friends now than it was in college--when the magical perfect storm occurs, and you do actually meet a new friend with whom you can laugh and cry as if you have known her forever...man can it be amazing.
Plus, it just might lower your cholesterol...!
Deepa is a wife, mother, writer and she sometimes masquerades as a lawyer as well. She revels in friendship, humor, champagne, and laughing at herself--often. She never ever reads US Magazine, thinks Rushdie is a genius, wishes she could write one sentence as funny as "Arrested Development," and lives in the Bay Area with her motley crew. She can be reached at deviswithbabies@gmail.com
aamazing read! I've always felt the power of real friendships but who knew they are actually medically beneficial. One can never have too many true friends.
I think the reason we stop making friends is that if you are lucky you have amazing friends already so it's hard to see that new friendships could ever compare. And the friends you make at the playground or at your kids school you have such specific interaction with so how can it compare to endless hours chatting with your friends in college you know?
I don't have enough time for my kids let alone a new friend. The thing is that my mom friends understand this and my friends without kids do not so I would think it's easier to make friends with other moms.
I wish I had more time to meet new people, I agree it adds dimension to our life but your query about whether it's just a matter of lack of time for me results in a resounding YES, i don't feel like i could add one more thing to my to do list or calendar. Sad but true...
What an amazing article!!!
I would think the "take away" is your first one: To make more time to build and support the friendships we already have.
Ohmygosh I could NOT agree more that it's hard to make "mom friends". I moved to a new city when I was pregnant and reached out to some moms at the playground and whatnot to try to connect, and just chat, shoot the S*&t. it was horrible I felt like i was back in high school and everybody belonged to some clique and there was *obviously* not room for one more. Now, three years later, I have still to make a close friend and i hate it, I miss the connectedness of it. Of course i have acquaintances but it's not the same, you can't just call up your co-volunteer at the preschool to grab a drink or whatnot. I wonder if it is the fact that i was reaching out to moms, maybe i should dip my toe back into the single girls!
I thought that particular scene from SATC was one of the most touching, romantic even scenes I've ever seen. I actually felt envious of their friendship.
The Times article is really unbelievable. I know there is a "study" for everything but these stats seem for real and I can see the connection between a strong support system and good health.
My long term friendships are "my rock" as they say. It may be not PC but the reason that these last and are such pillars is that true friends really care and do not judge. Even spouses cannot do that at times, and that is when the silent support from the friends who know you from before we all got married etc helps. Over time they morph into being your family. I think that is one of the reasons that we tend to stick with our long term friends, and do not embark on new friendships - it is the nostalgia factor - the fact that we shared schools, playtime, food, sleepovers, firsts of all kinds etc. After kids the effort goes into really focusing on them being the family friends - ie having the kids to get a chance to spend time together too.
I would say that my husband is my best friend. He knows everything about me and is the first person I turn to when I am in need or have good news to share. I don't really need anything else. Girlfriends come and go but your family? Hopefully that is forever. Plus women are bitchy!
Haha I think something does happen post-baby to make us more cheesy or at least sentimental. I see kids being nice to each other and I get all warm/fuzzy. That never happened before!
Uncanny, I was just talking about this with my husband last night! I feel "bored" for lack of a better word with our current social engagements. Not saying I am bored of my friends I am saying I want to do something new, different, not just a big group dinner every month. And we were saying how nice it would be to meet some people who are different from us, but we don't know how to do it. It seems that overnight we went from meeting new people everyday to being totally static.
great post and something i think about often when i feel like i am in a "rut." i usually call one of my lifelong friends to just talk it out but i do find myself wishing i had more friends closeby (we are all scattered at this point throughout the country). i sort of never tried to reach out to new mommy friends and as a result, i didn't make new friends but rather my old friends became moms around the same time so we all supported eachother. but it would be so nice to have someone who i could drop by her house or something like that.
Deepa, I love your writing style, it feels like a chatty, fun email from your best friend. This is such a timely and important post because as far as I can tell most of us have younger children. I think there comes a time when you truly just do NOT make close friends anymore, except in rare situations. But where we are now, with young kids and so many milestons (first preschool, first kindergarden, moving houses etc) provides the perfect opportunities to reach out and at least try to bring new blood into the mix.
SHUT UP Chapelle was in Oaktown?!? Man I feel old, I totally missed it!! He must have been amazing, you lucky duck!
I've wondered this (why it become so much harder to make friends after motherhood) and have always chalked it up to limited time. That and our priorities are so much different. Kids come first and unless you have a babysitter you can't put in the time that friendship takes by way of dinners out and drinks and whatnot. So what are you supposed to do, meet people online? There are just limited opportunities I think.
It's interesting you bring up SATC, I read an article a while back about how the show and the movie engendered envy from women everywhere because they missed such close friendships in their lives. But think about it--the show has almost no in law dynamics; the kids are in the background (except for maybe Miranda); and there is time for endless brunches. Nobody I know has a life like that and maybe you need it to cultivate and keep meaningful friendships like that.