I am an unapologetic "daddy's girl." Not in the way that my voice goes up ten octaves when I say "dad" and not in any sort of MTV "Super Sweet Sixteen" way. I didn't ask for and wasn't given ponies when I was a kid. But, nonetheless, part of my heart belongs to my dad. ( For what it's worth, almost everyone who meets my dad wants to give him part of his or her heart...but that is for another post...!)
You would think that my ability to label myself a daddy's girl, with all the stigma that entails, would make me sympathetic to the plight of the mommy's boys of the world. What's wrong with a boy being close to his mother right? I have two little boys and I obviously want to have a good relationship with them when they are adults...but ever since I was pregnant with my eldest, 4 years ago, I joked that I would do anything in my power to prevent unleashing "another Indian momma's boy into the world."
Indian Momma's Boys. Every Indian girl I know jokes about them but I can't think of one true example of the specimen. According to the NYTimes, though, they are live well and kicking--at least in India. This article--somewhat mysteriously featured on the front page of the Business section--has commerce experts weigh in on the “huge, continuing umbilical cord between mothers and sons" in India. Citing A.R. Rahman's profuse thanks to his mother during his Academy Awards acceptance speech, as well as the curious case of an Indian judge advising the feuding, billionaire Ambani brothers to take their disputes out of court and to their mother, the article paints a picture of Indian males as a uniformly doting bunch of slightly sappy little boys, constantly calling their moms.
What is it about the term "momma's boy" that makes us bristle? Obviously, if unpacking the term yields a child-man who demands to be taken care of by his wife as if she were his mother, that is one thing. We all have children to mother, we certainly don't need to take care of our husbands in the same way. But if it just means a grown man who is close to his mother, why is it so difficult for so many of us to stomach?
And is this phenomenon--of an Indian momma's boy--even true? Something about the article seems off. Like the author is trying to hitch her wagon onto the ever-growing Slumdog star. Are we really supposed to believe that these movers and shakers in present-day India are, as a rule, still so tethered to their moms that the "[h]and that Rocks the Cradle Can Call the Shots," as the article's title proclaims? If so, how does this phenomenon translate to the Indian men we all know here in the U.S.? And what is it about being Indian that lends itself to being more prone to being a mommy's boy?
As usual, I have no answers... It's my hope that we all establish wonderful, deep relationships with our children. It's my heartfelt goal to have my children love me the way I love my parents. My dad is currently in town visiting which means everything in my house has been fixed; all the toys have new batteries in them; our taxes are being done; we are going to fancy dinners; my kids are saying "Bapu" in their sleep they are so excited; I feel a sort of visceral joy and support that can only come from a truly selfless, loving presence in your vicinity. It is my fervent desire to be such a presence to my children...
But, at the end of the day, I would be lying if I said I would be okay with anybody ever labeling my sons as "momma's boys." So there it is...!
Deepa is a wife, mother, writer and she sometimes masquerades as a lawyer as well. She revels in friendship, humor, champagne, and laughing at herself--often. She never ever reads US Magazine, thinks Rushdie is a genius, wishes she could write one sentence as funny as "Arrested Development," and lives in the Bay Area with her motley crew. She can be reached at deviswithbabies@gmail.com
Interesting article. I do think the notion of Indian momma's boys is a real one but I don't think it is unique to Indians, or to Indians in India...
The thing about being Indian that makes it so that more Indians are mommas boys than other nationalities is the way that Indian mothers coddle and dote on their children. It's unlike anything I have ever, ever seen. I'm not Indian but am married to a half-Indian man (his mother is Indian). And I think this carries over to Indian moms in the states. Just compare how you are raising your kids (things like crying it out or whatnot) with others and the ansewr is clear.
I'm so a "daddy's girl" too. I never really thought about how it's more "acceptable" to be a daddy's girl than a momma's boy but I agree with you that it is. Just another gender disparity I suppose. We have a little girl and it's 100 % clear that she is going to be a daddy's girl as well for better or for worse.
i wish i could say i don't know any indian momma's boys--i married one of them! i spent the better part of 3 years "reprogramming". life is good now!
It's true there is a total double standard. Would you be okay with your new daughter being labelled a "daddy's girl"? I'm betting probably. I think there is something emasculating about a boy being a momma's boy and it is not correspondingly true for a girl being a daddy's girl, it almost adds to her "femininity".
I think what makes me bristle when I hear the term mommas boy is that it conjures up this image of a husband who is incapable of doing anything for himself. A daddys girl, on the other hand, just conjures up an image of a girl who loves her father i dont know why.
It IS a sort of odd article! As if Indian business revolves around what Indian mothers want!
I don't think its limited to Indians...I remember a study/big article about how Italian men are "momma's boys". :P I don't know that there is anything wrong with it....but there is a double standard.
Thanks for commenting on this, Deepa!
You make such a good point -- there is definitely much room for analysis here with regard to the possibiliites of a gendered double standard. I also think its extremely problematic for any Western news outlet to make overwhelming stereotypes about Indian men and their mothers based on particular depictions of particular moments (i.e. A.R. Rahman's speech or the judge's statement during the Ambani case).
Taking a step back, I think it's important to ask what the NYTimes is trying to get across in telling its business readership that Indian men have particular relationships with their mothers? Is this useful information? Or is it a less overt or even subconscious effort to effeminize and emasculinate the "Hindu babu" (the British's nickname for Gandhi)?
And by the way, who hasn't thanked their mother when (s)he received an award?
Very well said Veena, I couldn't agree more that the piece is subtley disparaging to Indian men, effectively saying that their behind the scenes mommies are running the show. It's an example of the most subtle (and therefore, sometimes, the most dangerous) sort of racism masked as news reporting.
First of all that was a ridiculous article. Varun Gandhi's mom, and not his dad, came to his rescue because his dad passed away in plan crash decades ago. Most men in India are not sitting in a corner sucking their thumb and waiting for mom to come rescue them. Yes the concept of respect is a different and some what exaggerated in India, but that holds true for both parents. This is just a facts be damned article that is becoming more of a norm for NYT these days.
As far as being a Momma's boy goes. I don't get why women have such an issue with it. Maybe, just maybe, it is a power thing. Asking for advice about *your* life from *his* mother is a transfer of power. It is giving some level of control of your life to someone else.
And I have to wonder if this disapproval of Momma's boy, or even the term itself is a recent phenomenon, the byproduct of more independent and strong woman, who doesn't want anybody else changing the course of her life in ways that she doesn't like or approve of. That would also explain why it is fine for their son to be a mommy's boy but not their husband or boy - friend. Is it a just a matter of control?