Monday Musings: What's It to You?

Monday, March 23, 2009
I was talking with my friend this weekend about how difficult it is to get our kids to (1) eat food; (2) sit still; (3) do our housework. You know, the usual. Half way through our conversation, she told me that she and her partner are seriously considering the second baby. We made jokes about how masochistic we are ("we" being the ever-growing club of people who, despite our jokes and eye-rolls, decide to have more than one child), referred to the recent news about the baby boom (there goes Harvard!), reminisced about our pre-baby days when we would have been hung over at the exact same time we were having a debate about strained pears...called it a conversation, said our i love yous, hung up.

I thought about my friend for the rest of the day. Thought about everything she and her partner have been through in their lives. Thought about how, without the science that gets maligned by people like Octo-mom, she would never have gotten the chance to be a biological parent, since she is gay.

I wish every single person who is opposed to gay marriage, or gay parenting, could see my friends, how strong their marriage is, what an amazing son they are raising. Every child should be so lucky to have such parents. As moms, we have insight into the inner-sanctum of many of our friends' parenting styles and all of us have our secret skeletons. Mine are not so secret (hello, I am writing a blog) and include such things as feeding my son Cheez-it(s), letting my 3 year old continue to drink out of a bottle, etc etc. My friend? The one I was talking with today? She's kind of perfect. Like, perfect in that way that her 2 year old son speaks Spanish, can spell, gives his toys to other people at the playground, likes asparagus, gives the best hugs in the world, slept through the night at 2 weeks. Just off the top of my head. And the clincher is that my friend--as much as the odds dictate otherwise, considering her son just spontaneously started speaking Chinese one day...heh...--is not Aggro Mom. She is laid-back, quick to laugh, okay with messes, prone to drinking wine at 4:59 p.m... like somebody else I know very, very, very well...!

Bottom line she is one of the best parents I know. She has an amazing marriage. And every day she has to fight just to be in a situation where she is allowed to be so good at what she is doing.

Some things are not fair. Like, that I can't remember the last time I had an uninterrupted night of sleep, and like that I cannot own these shoes. Other things are truly truly unjust. That's where I put the fact that large swaths of our country refuse to recognize my friend's right to be married to the person with whom she has chosen to live her life, raise her children, grow old.

Who are these people who would take away my friend's beautiful marriage from her; who would make it so that her lovely son does not have married parents? Why do they care so, so much about something that does not affect them in the least. Do they know that have caused poor Portia de Rossi to issue a network television "apology" for marrying Ellen?!? (Watch and feel very, very sorry for the poor innocent "gay" dog...!):



As we all know, parenthood is so, so amazing, but so, so difficult. Nobody should have to add nationwide scrutiny about his or her marriage and right to have children in the first place to all of the judgment and other social mores we already juggle...
23 comments:
c.j.s. said...

hilarious video...well said.

Anonymous said...

coudn't agree more. and politocs shouldn' be about the bedroom.

Rita said...

I knew there was a baby boom! My friends just laughed at me and said I felt that way because I just had my first child but i knew it wasn't true!

ina said...

amen sister. remember things like this always puts other worries into perspective right?

Anonymous said...

obviously it doesn't take a heterosexual to make a good parent. but (i konw this is unpopular esp on a liberal blog) i do worry about the scrutiny the KIDS will face as they get older. why do that to a child???

H.L. said...

To above poster: The same argument was made about "minority" children. Or children of "single parents." Or "mixed" kids. Improper prejudice is always going to be there. You can't let it dictate your life.

Anonymous said...

nice thoughts once again. i have had this debate with my parents since i could articulate my thoughts on equaliyt yet something still stands in my way of properly explaining why it's so backwards for people to oppose gay marriage...

Anonymous said...

I was refered to this blog by a friend who said I would enjoy it and for the most part I have, in part because it speaks to our "space". So: what does this have to do with South Asian mothers?

shilpa said...

umm... How about everything??? Because South Asian mothers are gay. South Asian mothers live alongside gay couples and parents. South Asian mothers are raising children- teaching them equality and tolerance. South Asian mothers shouldn't be asking about relevance and should be proactively creating a more just world for their kids.

gina said...

well said Shilpa. I can't believe the question was even asked.

hema said...

whoa. to anon poster: seriously??

Anonymous said...

Calm down cowboys, I think the poster was merely asking what the story has to do specifically with the author no?!? Don't get me wrong I thought it was a great post but I don't want to see somebody get burned at the stake for voicing a question.

Kiran said...

I was just about to address the first question and then this was posted. Perhpas is what I would say. But "Shilpa" put it well and expressed what I was thinking which is basically: South Asians live in the world and this is an issue in the world and I for one am happy to read about it.

trikone.org said...

http://www.trikone.org/index.shtml

Anonymous said...

Very well put. It seems to me the main anti-gay-marriage argument has to do with what is supposedly in the Bible. But that arguments makes about as much sense as the Pope saying that condoms are a bad idea and that people should just have a better attitude about sex.
As a society, we need strong marriages and good parents. A gay family is not necessarily a bad household for children, just like a heterosexual family is not necessarily a good household for them. What these people are doing is no different than what whites did to blacks many years ago - it's discrimination that has no rational basis.

Anonymous said...

There are starting to be studies about how children of gay marriage turn out. I understand the desire to be liberal and accepting and more often than not I think I am "tolerant" but what would all of you, knee-jerk liberal to actual thoughtful liberal, think if the study comes out to show that the kids are detrimentally affected? If the plain numbers show that children of gay marriage are more at risk, are more suicidal, etc.? Then what?

Anonymous said...

Hi, I was the original "anonymous" poster. While I appreciate the person trying to "defend" me I don't see why I need to be defended. I was simply asking what this post has anything specifically to do with South Asian women. As far as I can tell the author of this blog is not gay. So while it is a well written article I don't see why it is appropriate to our audience. To "Shilpa," I don't deny that we live in a world with gay people in it, but don't we also live in a world with all sorts of other people? Why is it so fashionable to talk about gay people, gay friends, how gay-tolerant we all are?

Vera said...

nice shoes...! and nice post. i am constantly amazed that such simple thoughts (not "simple" in the way of not important, but simple in the way of believing in "justice" or "tolerance") stir controversy! to the posters who don't believe that gay people should have children and specifically to the poster who brought up the studies: you can get studies that prove EVERYTHING right? i am not going to believe any study that tells me that a gay parent somehow must raise a messed up kid, it just doesn't make sense.

vera said...

(btw, i loved the video! also btw: i love this blog. and part of the reason i DO love this blog is because i am south asian (half) so enjoy the articles that are "relevant" to south asians but also love that a south asian is writing it which of course inspires a take on things. and also just love it because it's good).

Sonali said...

Is this for real?!? Yes I live on the "left" coast but are there really people still asking about how it is relevant to our lives that some people aren't allowed to do the exact same things we do and take for granted? It isn't a South Asian issue, for sure: It's a HUMAN issue.

Well written and I have always said that if everybody could meet the "evil" person they hated, whether that be a gay pareson, a black person, a Republican (haha)--then hatred would melt away. I'm not saying there can't be disagreement. But why hatred?

Anonymous said...

Aren't you being just as judgmental as "these people" by damning people who believe that marriage is between a man and a woman? Isn't that opinion just as valid as yours? I have been reading this blog for months but am now re-considering.

Anonymous said...

How can it be "just as judgmental" to advocate a position that is about equal treatment? Even the most well-meaning people who don't believe in gay marriage have to admit that they are treating SOME people different than OTHERS right?

I am not a liberal, for the record. Nor am I a conservative. Nor have I ever commented on a blog. But I hate the politics of "you're just as bad." Come on now.

Anonymous said...

I recently watched MILK. Prop 8 is like history repeating itself after 40 yrs. What gives the rest of us the right to make judgements abt anyone else's life - how they shld live, what they can or cannot do. Its beyond me.

Post a Comment