tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3461772347487902769.post1615653414496303532..comments2024-02-24T01:12:50.584-08:00Comments on Devis With Babies: Venutians Have Issues!monicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01001428428311708917noreply@blogger.comBlogger26125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3461772347487902769.post-83241853888128793412009-02-12T18:34:00.000-08:002009-02-12T18:34:00.000-08:00a whole host of comments from a bunch of insecure ...a whole host of comments from a bunch of insecure women...annoying...<BR/><BR/>listen, what Kiran said is reality...stop focusing on the detail of the story...guys-night-out for many is sitting at a boy's crib, grubbin' & playin' video games...clubbing for most married men is non-existent...he was giving you an EXAMPLE, relax...<BR/><BR/>focus on the reality here ladies, what Kiran is saying is men do want to open up, they want support, from their FRIENDS...not from strangers...many times i've been to couple gatherings as a bunch of female friends from birth gather in joy with their toddlers as the men awkwardly stand around and talk about nothing important...all Kiran is saying is let your man have that quality time with his REAL boys...that will give him the opportunity to open up...be it going out, having dinner, hitting a club (which rarely any of us like to do past 30), weekend get-away, etc...<BR/><BR/>jeez, i mean i knew women were insecure, but this is ridiculous...kudos Kiran, too bad the women chose not to READ it for what it is...Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3461772347487902769.post-84211568213871721242009-02-12T14:05:00.000-08:002009-02-12T14:05:00.000-08:00DUDE THANK YOU for number 1. The drive of fear ba...DUDE THANK YOU for number 1. The drive of fear back home after any night not involving my wife is going to send me to an early grave! If you ladies really want us to "talk about things" and have our friends etc. etc. please don't punish us for 24 hours after every attempt we make. <BR/><BR/>Big ups for this, Kiran, I agree with almost everything you say. Will just add that it takes alot of guts to put yourself out there and write on a "mommy blog" so I respect that alot too. Don't know if I could subject myself to it!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3461772347487902769.post-47957071094565349142009-02-12T12:30:00.000-08:002009-02-12T12:30:00.000-08:00To the anonymous post talking about getting to the...To the anonymous post talking about getting to the underlying discord - I totally agree. <BR/><BR/>I may be in a similar situation as you describe. <BR/><BR/>I have a good husband, who to the outside world is the son you always want, the star employee you want, and when we got married the husband one would always want. <BR/><BR/>But these things changed when the kids came along. He decided to single handedly and without any discussion change this assumption. <BR/><BR/>For the wife he also did all that stuff being talked about (career related, co parenting related etc). Every time I tried to "communicate" to him and tell him what was on my mind and why it upsets me, all I got was "I understand - but I cannot do much more, I am earning more than you, and there is nothing more I can do to get to equal sharing". <BR/><BR/>I have tried to explain that having us both work and get double up our salary is a better solution, than him wanting me to quit while he needs to work harder. Why is this math so hard for the husband. 2 bread earners with equal parenting, and a happy satisfied life is better than a situation in which the husband alone works - slogs, wife stay home, is unhappy, career dreams crushed, and all in all no one is happy. <BR/><BR/>Why do the men not get it? I think that is the big resentment question. Are their wives not worth a little adjustment from their side? <BR/><BR/>It is not a math question anymore. It always just sound like that the men do not want to give up anything and yet expect so much from their wives, even though a small adjustment from them, would bring in better results. To top it off then they complain about #7! :)Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3461772347487902769.post-45154406821586819232009-02-12T12:09:00.000-08:002009-02-12T12:09:00.000-08:00i would wager to bet that the wives who are happy ...i would wager to bet that the wives who are happy in their marriages and who feel like their husbands support them, their kids, their household have no problem at all with boys nights or a husband's need to "let off steam". it is the other wives--who are upset, rightfully so, somewhat rightfully so, not at all rightfully so--for whom this is going to be impossible. because when you are upset you are taking tally, and as you yourself said, this can't be about "letting you" do stuff, it has to be about wanting you to have this outelt. so i think we need to get to the root of all the discord, dissatisfaction (if there is all that--maybe the comments this week are making a mountain out of a molehill?) before we can give each other this space.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3461772347487902769.post-61973347057743665472009-02-12T12:04:00.000-08:002009-02-12T12:04:00.000-08:00here's a stunner...i actually kind of agree with k...here's a stunner...i actually kind of agree with kiran (and yes i am a wife and mother and have friends and a job and a life). in the interest of full disclosure, i have known kb for most of my life and can vouch for his daddy skills. also i can vouch for my husband's...and i feel strongly that he needs his outlet...yes it usually involves vodka but mine usually involves wine. so we're even. that's what its about, right? feeling as equal as we can about how we each contribute and then let off steam (for me its bolly night with girlfriends, for him it's out with the guys). what's wrong with that if i know and he knows that we are both being honest about it? i am the first to admit that all my fun doesn't happen solely with my husband and child.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3461772347487902769.post-89422740714296736442009-02-12T11:51:00.000-08:002009-02-12T11:51:00.000-08:00@ Workaholic's wife: I feel your pain. In fact t...@ Workaholic's wife: I feel your pain. In fact the original post was about that too--how it seems ironic that as women are taking a step back in their careers or whatnot men's careers are taking precedence. Not sure if it has much to do with boys night but it definitely is an issue. <BR/><BR/>Also out of curiousity: Why do people hate boys night so much? WHen my husband does the occasional "boys night" im not really worried about him hitting on girls or whatnot.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3461772347487902769.post-36126217250513863502009-02-12T11:35:00.000-08:002009-02-12T11:35:00.000-08:00Workaholic's Wife: Wow. I'm going to have to go ...Workaholic's Wife: Wow. I'm going to have to go back and re-read my post. I'm not sure where you're comment is coming from. I dont think I drew any correlation between spending time with friends and being responsible at home. I certainly didn't intend to imply that being responsible at home hinged on whether we were able to have more "guy time."<BR/><BR/>Deepa had posed a question about whether men want these groups and I was simply trying to respond. Let me ask you this? Are women "not being there for their husbands when they have mommy's groups, and brunches?" Are those cop out's too?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3461772347487902769.post-66647918553378186782009-02-12T11:28:00.000-08:002009-02-12T11:28:00.000-08:00Jaya: I find that I'm happier generally, knowing t...Jaya: I find that I'm happier generally, knowing that I can expect a good balance of work, family, friends, etc. to look forward to. Obviously, happiness will lead to better quality of life overall, for me, my wife and my son. It's when I have been stressed out at work for two weeks, with no sight of an outlet to blow off steam, that I start getting a little cranky. <BR/><BR/>Anonymous 1: That's a great question! I know finding the right balance is the toughest thing. Gun to my head, I would say that I would love to have some sort of interaction with friends once during the week and at least once during the weekend (and it can be mixed company, i.e. dinner with another couple). Obviously, sometimes it's not feasible, and responsibilities have to come first, but generally, it seems to work for us.<BR/><BR/>Anonymous 2: That's not beef, it's just a fundamental difference in philosophy. I really enjoy my friends and would never give them up. I think my wife would say the same. I dont know that it's fair to expect your husband to do so, either, unless you set those expectations beforehand. If you say, that you want to take a few months and just bond with the family after the baby is born, that's one thing; but to ask him to stop seeing his friends for the rest of his life is unreasonable...even if you're willing to do it.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3461772347487902769.post-28291588821009243432009-02-12T11:22:00.000-08:002009-02-12T11:22:00.000-08:00Sorry - but I have a beef too. I understand puttin...Sorry - but I have a beef too. <BR/><BR/>I understand putting out these wish lists that men would like fulfilled before they can be "better understanding" husbands. <BR/><BR/>But - and the but was coming, I disagree - I think this is just an excuse to justify their "not being there for their wife". I am very tempted to call a lot of these lists cop outs. I would have loved to hear the man's perspective - in a case when they actually acknowledge their follies, instead of putting out wish lists justifying them.<BR/><BR/>I know so many husbands who excel at their work, are workaholics, never forget a single detail at work, no projects slip, who take time out for their bosses/employees, etc etc and yet these same well qualified husbands forget to check the milk left at home! <BR/><BR/>How come the work areas get the best of the men, while we as wives have to fulfill all these wish lists before they get the best of the husband. <BR/><BR/>The wives never get this chance - how many times do wives say that " hey i did not take care of the kid/house/school/cooking/work/bills today because I did not get my "old-buddy" time last month! "Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3461772347487902769.post-61323102437934267212009-02-12T11:04:00.000-08:002009-02-12T11:04:00.000-08:00Here's my beef: When we had our daughter, I becam...Here's my beef: When we had our daughter, I became happy seeing the world as the three of us, a family. I was okay to let certain relationships fall away, and to have less time for other things in life. But apparently my husband was not. I crave the little free time we have to be for US, to grow and nurture our family. In my heart of hearts I know that I would be okay with just my husband and my kids. Friends come and go.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3461772347487902769.post-30789175610445006202009-02-12T11:03:00.000-08:002009-02-12T11:03:00.000-08:00What would your idea week look like? Seeing frien...What would your idea week look like? Seeing friends every day? Every other day? Once a week? Just, logistically, how does it work in our busy lives to make friends a constant--and which friends get to be those constants??Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3461772347487902769.post-31724849734405661922009-02-12T10:44:00.000-08:002009-02-12T10:44:00.000-08:00Kiran: what benefits do you think will follow fro...Kiran: what benefits do you think will follow from wives embracing your concept of what boys night should be like? Will you be happier? Better dads? Better husbands? I am asking sincerely, I know what women "get" from time with their friends but I an curious about what men "get" and whether it's similar.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3461772347487902769.post-72460712238234660602009-02-12T10:43:00.000-08:002009-02-12T10:43:00.000-08:00Hey Ladies,Thank so much for taking the time to re...Hey Ladies,<BR/>Thank so much for taking the time to read the post. I know it was long. I really think it’s great that you are all so open-minded and willing to listen to suggestions about how to make your husband’s happier. I will admit that on a general level, men are lazier about “working on their relationships.” So again, kudos to you all for taking the time. That being said, I think some of you may need to shift your expectations a bit, in order to be happy.<BR/>Throughout the day, I’ll try to respond to as many posts as possible. Here’s the first pass:<BR/>LAL: I feel you on the strip club thing. I can understand why women are uncomfortable with that. I don’t know how often your husband goes to strip clubs. If it’s just for bachelor parties, I wouldn’t trip. If it’s all he does…I don’t know what to tell you, except that I wouldn’t consider that an average guys night.<BR/>Dani: Look, if you ladies want to go to clubs, go. I don’t understand what the big deal is. Why does what men do have any bearing on what women do at all? If you want to go to clubs with your girls, what’s stopping you? I hate clubs. You’re actually not missing anything. <BR/>S.J.: Define inappropriate behavior? Do you trust your husband? If not, you shouldn’t have married him. If so, don’t worry about not knowing. There are a number of reasons he may not want to talk about it. Also, how often does he go out? <BR/>Usha: Great point. I don’t know why that doesn’t happen more. For me, when I have the opportunity to hang out with my son, I tend to prefer to just hang out with him. But, seriously, you make a great point.<BR/>Anonymous who said “How is this different for women.”: I don’t know whether it is or not. I’m only giving the male perspective. Deepa mentioned in her post, that motherhood has seemed to provide a glue for women to get closer…so there seems to be some difference. Maybe Deepa can comment… <BR/> Bhavani: Great point. I hadn’t even thought about the LONG term effects of this, but its totally true.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3461772347487902769.post-60998538012701736752009-02-12T10:29:00.000-08:002009-02-12T10:29:00.000-08:00Am I the only one who finds this "boys night" and ...Am I the only one who finds this "boys night" and "girls night" stuff to be sort of juevenile? Why can't we go out together? Why can't we discuss as people, parents, friends, couples the "stuff" and the "minutia" of our lives? Segregating by sex perhaps exacerbates the issues that have come to light in many of the comments to this weeks posts.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3461772347487902769.post-28752117763939589842009-02-12T10:05:00.000-08:002009-02-12T10:05:00.000-08:00Number one is key. My husband has told me that th...Number one is key. My husband has told me that the way I act sometimes after I "let" him go out with the guys makes him never want to do it again. I don't want to be a shrewd wife but sometimes something in me just goes bezerk when he saunters in all drunk and doe eyed after those nights. And sometimes--I have to admit--I an annoyed that he looks so happy after a night without me.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3461772347487902769.post-90078623588411389412009-02-12T09:44:00.000-08:002009-02-12T09:44:00.000-08:00Thanks for writing, along with everyone else this ...Thanks for writing, along with everyone else this week--I have really enjoyed reading. And I am willing to give this a shot. When I think about it, I do worry that my husband seems to be " losing" so many of his friends, or at least the closeness he once shared with them. I can only imagine how important those relationships will prove to be 5, 10, 20 years down the road.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3461772347487902769.post-35954784390406513142009-02-12T08:55:00.000-08:002009-02-12T08:55:00.000-08:00Funny, for me, the opposite has been true: I have...Funny, for me, the opposite has been true: I have had to become friends with the wives/girlfriends of my husband's friends. I guess it's different for different couples. But I have really come to enjoy these women, so it's not a bad thing.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3461772347487902769.post-85658459570035218202009-02-12T08:24:00.000-08:002009-02-12T08:24:00.000-08:00"I’m just trying to explain that getting married c..."I’m just trying to explain that getting married changes the dynamic of how guys interact with each other, by mere virtue of the fact that there is less time for guys to spend together."<BR/><BR/>How is this different for women??Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3461772347487902769.post-51366773143020211952009-02-12T08:15:00.000-08:002009-02-12T08:15:00.000-08:00LOL: "Before we can even broach the subject of ho...LOL: "Before we can even broach the subject of how we’re feeling about things, we have to get past the “snarkiness,” the sports debates, clowning on each other like there’s no tomorrow, and myriad other topics (which you might think are pointless, but that we really look forward to)"<BR/><BR/>Haha, I always wonder about how you guys do this--the sort of primitive, peeing in a circle, testing each other out, ripping each other to shreds male bonding dance!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3461772347487902769.post-52653277548593222332009-02-12T08:04:00.000-08:002009-02-12T08:04:00.000-08:00Much of what you say holds true for men and women:...Much of what you say holds true for men and women: It is difficult to have the sort of connection that fosters the ability to discuss "real stuff" when you are relegated to one night a month with friends. Something about our culture makes it so that there is never enough time.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3461772347487902769.post-24870559823947354922009-02-12T07:50:00.000-08:002009-02-12T07:50:00.000-08:00One of the problems I find in this is that it's no...One of the problems I find in this is that it's not like women have all this unlimited time but they still manage to keep in regular touch with their closest friends. In part perhaps because mommy groups (formal or informal) often involve getting together...WITH the children! Maybe you and your boys should have a dads playdate with your kids--might be a quick way to shift the tone and content and breadth of what y'all talk about...Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3461772347487902769.post-42000180116883060252009-02-12T07:29:00.000-08:002009-02-12T07:29:00.000-08:00If this is true . Big if. If this is true and no...If this is true . Big if. If this is true and not just a clever way to get I'd to condone inapprppriate behavior on the name of "understanding how men work"--then how come you can't tell us as much post-boys-night. When I ask my husband how such nights were I just get hung ober grunts and one word answers...Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3461772347487902769.post-23074359376693867302009-02-12T07:25:00.000-08:002009-02-12T07:25:00.000-08:00ouch. You totally pegged me in one respect; I don...ouch. You totally pegged me in one respect; I don't understand why my fiancé won't make my friends spouses his circle of friends. I get mad about it to be honest because it seems like he doesn't make an effort. And btw his "real friends" (his words) make Harold and kumar look like rocket scientists.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3461772347487902769.post-84839011472675990792009-02-12T07:20:00.000-08:002009-02-12T07:20:00.000-08:00propsition: next guys night you all go out fir a ...propsition: next guys night you all go out fir a nice dinner, and for next girls night your wife and her friends go to a club, get drunk etc. Would be interesting to compare and contrast no??Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3461772347487902769.post-19718089278230841622009-02-12T07:17:00.000-08:002009-02-12T07:17:00.000-08:00In your approximation of the daddy equivalent of m...In your approximation of the daddy equivalent of mommy groups, are you talking about your daughters while you're out at the club? Isn't that ironic?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com